Here’s to every little bits of memories and heart’s voices that I kept.
Out of all the victims, you fought well enough. Here’s to your last phase, sir.
15 November 2018 // I swear I don’t want anything else right now besides to to just hope that He will destroy this feeling, fully so that I won’t even have to feel so traumatic. Sometimes the most unexpected things will be the most surprising thing ever in life and probability of it happening is just high, for all that we not know what will come between stories. Ya Allah, for the feelings that I truly stand on is right, I hope I’m gonna wake up with a peace and calm heart tmr. And to also just pray for everyone’s happiness through good and bad. I regret opening myself up to girls again but it really tells me how life is really fully of surprises. Here’s to many more happiness. Nqrecovering
7 November 2018 // You know, the one thing I would want to do now is to talk to Mama and ask her wellbeing and everything. But the heart became so weak to even call her. I worry I’ll end up crying and telling her the truth about just how much I’ve been missing her son so much. I worry she’ll start to be upset too for the past of what her son had done that worry her now. I worry she’ll find out how her son changed. I’m not ready to do this. I’m trying to just keep myself this way just for the sake of Mohamad. I don’t know how long will this go on for but for sure, I can’t be talking to Mama just yet in such a state. Let my misses to Mama be kept deep inside of me too. Let all the feelings be graved deep inside till one day. I’m sorry Mama but I’ll always love you and will never want to lose you, I have to be this way until I’m strong enough to be back again. Forgive me Mama, I love you always☹️❤️ Nqrecovering
7 November 2018 // for once, I felt stupid to have this heart which kept falling back at times reminiscing the days where I looked forward to bullying you day night even when I know you’d be the worse person I’d ever need. Even more crazy is when my tears start to fall each time when my heart says it has been missing you so much, yet I deny over again. Apart from that, the most horrible feeling goes to wanting to be in your arms and just hug you tightly to tell you how horrible you are to me. Me, trying to convince myself you’re not going to come back nor bring the best of you back again, I failed some times. Too in love that I forgot my worth of love and happiness. I bet while I’m here missing you like one crazy, you’re there having fun and changing one like you’ve wanting. Hah foolish me. Many plans and venturing the world was the main, but you’re gone too soon. Painful part is when I keep needing to bear with rejecting guys bcs I fear giving my whole again and/or I’m just traumatised with what had happened. Now, being matched make and needing to go out on dates, I acted dumb and most clumsiest to just see the level of tolerance in them. But one is still fighting against it, I’m unsure if I’m able to love again. I’m fine with your absence, really fine. But I died lying to everyone over my own feelings. Wanting to let them know how much I’ve moved on and wanting to start afresh, it was hard but I have to and let my feelings be really unknown. I’m fine with it, really fine. Just that’s all I’ve been wanting to say honestly. Before I even forget, if you’re still alive in presence by me, we’d be going out for dinner on the 3rd I guess - happy 44th Mr Pematah Hati:’) but you’re gone still. I pray that Allah will let you have the happiness of life like you wanted when you left, dunia akhirat. I’ll miss you, I will. MrPematahHati Irinduyou_03
23 October 2018 // I have never been this emotional. Being a nurse, assisting and attending to my own patients is just different when it comes to my own family. I swear when it comes to them, I cn really be so weak that I can go to the extend of not having proper sleep though I have to get up early the next day. Dear Abah, my stubborn father, the one who gave me the inheritance of “needles, my enemy”, please be strong and just keep your strength up his for us. I promise, once I end my contract, I’ll straight go into full time so you wouldn’t need to continue that work. By then, being an engineer can already let me bring home a big sum everyday Insya’Allah, it’ll be more than enough for all of us. Let me now take good care of all of you, especially you and ibu. I know both of you kept thinking about my love life, it’s ok, let it go like it didn’t exist in this world. I’ll be fine for sure, it didn’t matter anymore even when it does at times. I pray that all of us will be as strong as we’re all gonna be for the next 4 years plus that I’m waiting to finally settle down with my own child. If only Allah let me have your pains just so you wouldn’t be in such a pain that you could cry. Ya Allah, ease his pains and strengthen his inner self🐯❤️ JYNDQRS
10 October 2018 // Ya Allah, for my heart that’s so weak at fighting against the odds and the pains that never ends. For my soul is so weak that I’m just hoping for the best for what may be ahead of me. Now I understand how tiring it can be. Being with me could already be tiring, what else if I’m the one needing to go through it? I’m sorry I didn’t understand when you said you were tired of standing by me who’s always ill. Even more when my illness bring in uglier looks. I wish I had understood better back then, maybe you won’t even be leaving me with this crazy feelings. I may be the most egoistic person ever now, to be thinking of other’s hearts before mine, but I know someday it will all be worthy. Let my feelings be something I’ll never look upon to first. It may be crazy that I keep hiding the real feelings but itsokay. I’m cool as long as all of you are great and chasing your real feelings, wants and needs. Just I wish, I really wish it’ll be conveyed:’) Nqrecovering
01 October 2018 // It was a good day indeed when I receive a text asking me to check out my module grade after lunch. I swear, I’m too blessed on this day for the ones who stood behind me to get me through. Just another 6 months and I’m done with it, and then here’s to bigger exciting life things. I wouldn’t want to do this yet bcs it’s not over but definitely I would want to thank them with great gifts on grad day. Before that, here’s to my well wishes and prayers for this team who still believes in my strength. Personal driver, personal delivery, personal teacher, personal break companion, and much more. Too touched and blessed for their real sacrifices that’s never ending:’) only Allah will only be able to repay them a good life for me. Made them all happy too but there’s this one soul I’m unsure of. Your endless nagging and scolding throughout my lazy days for this module, you ended up making deal out of it but when excitement rises upon knowing I really did make it through, I forgot that you’re gone and probably not even interested knowing it too. Proud? I guess not at all. But nonetheless here’s one for you too. I did it, Mr Pematah Hati! I did it! Great celebration after this :’)
24 September 2018 // post birthday event. This period, I was the most tired one but I have never sighed to it. I knew I didn’t want to lose someone I love to crazy little sickness. I barely sleep, i barely eat properly, i barely lose patience. For one who’s really pampered and baby, medicines became the enemy. It was tough. I remember being scolded even for little things but I kept my patience real high because I know being unwell in the tummy is the craziest feeling. Till that one day, Mama saw how I tried to steal some sleep here and there. Crazy wasn’t I to be doing all of my these for the ones I love?
21 September 2018 // Thank you for wishing even when you knew I was reluctant to even wish you directly. So instead I sent you those cupcakes which Mama helped me out with (don’t scold Mama bcs it was my request to not let tell you who was it from). But I swear apart from this, my train ride became an emotional ride the moment I switched my data on after the whole day busy at work. Those wishes and memories that flooded in, I swear I couldn’t stop crying that I couldn’t bother if people are watching. It was so emotional because of how bad I could be but people still remembers and keep me part of their lives. Those memories, it was bittersweet kind but I do know it all happened for reasons. I’m so blessed that I just want Allah to really fulfil my prayers of blessing them dunia akhirat in every way and guide them to be the best people to Him. 20th, you’re steps closer to half of Lupus lifespan, I hope you’re still fighting well internally. I’m keeping myself positive until I really achieve everything in life, and that’s when I’ll surely say I need a rest. Here’s to the 20th🐯❤️ (and that tiger was meant bcs that pematah hati has characters of tiger while for myself, it’s my year I’m born in following the chinese calendar) Nqrecovering
21 September 2018 // On this very special day, I thank Allah for giving me the chance again to live my life to the fullest. Trying to be the best soldier for Him is never easy but for sure, I’ll be on the positive side to keep pushing myself to the limit. Things may have changed over the years but for sure my love for all of them will never change. I thank all of you who came to be part of my bitter sweet journey. Life’s never perfect, indeed humans aren’t perfect but surely there’s some beauty in each one of us. Keeping myself positive isn’t easy up to today but I’ve always prayed that He ease my heart and journey to be a better person to the people and Him. Here today, I’ve reached just closest to half of Lupus fighters’ lifespan. I may fear if ever He takes me away before I could achieve everything for them all but I could only pray for the best. Nothing else I’m going to wish or pray for but for the best of what’s ahead of me. Too much tears flowed right when I see my memories but I hope these memories will be permanent in myself even if I lose my memory over Lupus one day. Dear world, never look down on the painful fighters because surely these fighters will show you great things you’ll never know of, one day. Here’s to my 20th. Nqrecovering
16 September 2018 // it was painful but life’s still beautiful in every way. People left but I know someday, I’ll be able to digest the absence and let myself love them endlessly still. Ibu Abah, I promise I’ll make full use of my remaining time to work really hard to give you both my world full of surprises that I’ve longed been waiting to give to the both. I’ve never been a good daughter even more the best because I’m always troubling the both of you, and I hope with this world I’m giving one day, it will let you both rest the whole life out spending time with the little ones. Sisters, whatever I’m chasing for now, one day it will all be all of yours. Together equally. I’m sorry I can’t give anything else in return but it will all be for long. I’ve learnt how painful it can be to love someone without being loved in return and when that happens, when I was about to leave, I’m left with only money. I wouldn’t want any of you to feel as such even when I know it will never happen to any of you. Loves, I’ll be happy when I close my eyes to rest one day, when everything’s achieved. Here’s to half of my Lupus lifespan celebration in advance❤️ Nqrecovering
31 August 2018 // my dear Mama, I’m so blessed that I’m still able to love you, take care of you and still make you the mother to me despite the rough moments and separation. Maybe even if one day fate is not on our side still, you ain’t have to worry that I won’t love you when someone new comes by for either one or both of us. Ma, it still hurts me up to today for the whatsapp you sent to me days after that. I’m sorry I can’t be there always or almost 24/7 with you esp that Friday when I took you to the clinic when you’re damn sick. I wouldn’t want my presence to make things be awkward. I definitely would want to be there taking care of you the whole night but I just can’t seem to do it for many reasons still. I’m sorry mama but I’m thankful enough that it was a weekend that Azizi could be home around watching you at least. My dear Mama, you wouldn’t need to be sorry to me for troubling me to pay for your bills, their dinner and so on. Those money, it’s just not as important as your health to me. I used to chase after my work all the time that I even forgot that those money will never bring me anywhere if time is insufficient to spend with the loved ones. For that, I lost some people who meant to be loved. If my own Ibu I would be panicking and just wanting to be there, what else if it’s you. Mama, you’re just like my own and I can’t deny just how much I still love to see you all the time if I could. Never ending shares about everything that had happened and was happening, I pray that Allah ease our journey ok. I’ll definitely see you soon again Mama but not as often as I could be like I told you because you know yourself Ma. Hear this out; I forever will love you, take care of you and be with and here for you, as long as I’m still around. I know how sad you were when I had to leave just in time before the Tiger comes home, but we both know how things can turn into like. Mama, you’ll always be part of my prayers too ok. My hugs and kisses still sends to you through prayers ok😘
30 August 2018 // my dear Mama, forgive me for this day should be another celebration day for you but all I could afford to do is pray for you, wish you and later send mini surprise for you. Back then, August will be my another headache month besides April but now, everything’s changed. However, my promise will never change. I promised to take great care of you, watch over you and to love you especially if ever something happens to him. We may not be together anymore but you surely know just how much I’ll still and always love you like my own. My dear Mama, no other words could describe just how blessed am I to have met you. Your phrase written on my birthday last year, it still give me troubles digesting the whole situation but I know, Allah’s the best planner of everything. Mama, HAPPIEST 47th BIRTHDAY😢😚❤️ if emoji could express my feelings now, I’ll combine it all.
28 August 2018 // back then, we made a deal that if ever I manage to pass this hardest module Mechanics, you’ll take me out for whole day treat on you. Just anything. But today, when he texted me this, I got overjoyed, forgot that it’s just my own achievement and just nothing will come to celebrate this. Well I know it’s worth my fight and it’s for my own. I’m sorry but I had to be this ego; I’m doing all these to let you find your own happiness bcs being with me won’t guarantee that I’ll be able to take good care and/or love you more than anything till we’re old anymore even if deep down inside I say that I’ve been missing you. Maybe you’re just meant to be loved but not love and own, but if ever it worked out as such, may Allah lengthen my life. Here’s one for you too, though you will never find out. I made it!
26 August 2018 // yeap, mi luv growing up fast and I didn’t realise that.
15 August 2018 // Ya Allah, for the pains are getting so real that I just want to cry so badly. How bad can these pains go? How far more must I endure to the endless illness that has no cure to it? Ya Allah, crying in silence over these pains bcs I don’t want to burden Ibu Abah for the endless fights I need to battle. They’ve given me so much these past few months and now, I just want them to rest. How could I even thought about risking my own health just for the ones I love. Masya’Allah, may it all be worthy one day. Ibu Abah, I’m sorry but I love the both of you so much that I just need sometime to let my body fight without any help. It may be a life and death matter when it comes to my heart that’s aching so badly that it stretches all the way to the back but I just need to keep enduring. Less than 7 days and we’re gonna be on board for Haji trip, it’s okay, I’m gonna do fine Insya’Allah. With patience and endurance, Insya’Allah He will help ease my journey. Dear body, please fight well. Remember, them before yourself. This is it okay, we’re in this together. Don’t stop functioning because I’ve yet to get all those wills done. Just a little more okay, we’ll be fine by then❤️ Nqrecovering
11 August 2018 // crazy to know how my liver’s being unwell these past few weeks and it’s worsening but i could do nothig about it until i finishes my 9 straight shifts. Bear with me body, fight again the reactions. You, Heart, don’t let me go through the same pain as to what you did to me last night in the mids of my sleep ok. It crazily hurts. Body, fight all you can and keep yourself alive❤️✨ Nqrecovering
08 August 2018 // thank you secret PA for being around these past few weeks when I’m really in need of a helping hand to settle my schedules and everything. You’re ze best! Thank you too fav florist for my very last min delivery huhu, always thankful for this florist of mine!
10 August 2018 // woke up to see messages from Ayah that you’re in the hospital and going to undergo your surgery at 4pm was a huge pain in me. How i wish i could take away your pains away but i know you’re stronger than i do. Kakak, please recover well and not let those fear stops you, like how my fears did in me. Don’t let all of these became a limitation in your life. I’ll visit you soon my chubby one, i love you😚🐣❤️✨
First of all, I’m sorry but all those snapchat convo, it never have been from any guys except her. You might think I’m doing this on purpose but no, I never meant any such things. I never thought you could be someone who’ll give me so much words. Thinking that I should really throw my ego aside and give it a shot, I decline your wish but you still kept trying to convince me and even to the point that you actually prayed to Him to open up my heart just so I’ll confront him myself. If it wasn’t because you knew how much I suddenly been missing him so much lately, you wouldn’t even persuaded me to send a “anonymous” birthday gift. Thank Allah, the gift was delivered with no hints that it was from me. Babe, for me to open up and to be the first one to tell him how much I’ve missed him, I would mess his whole life again. Like I told you, I would rather sacrifice my feelings again for the better of everyone around me. It’s ok babe, for as long as my time is left, I rather put all of their happiness before mine. Yes, those guys who came up to say they’re willing to spend the leftover time with me are the ones I appreciate living in my life. But they’re just doing this bcs they want to ensure that my leftover time will be spent wisely full of happiness and, bcs they just want me to chase back part of my happiness that was left emptied for quite a period of time now. This, I wish he knew too just how much people around me been convincing me. Babe, I’m sorry I’m still up with being so ego towards my fear. Just give me some time. But thank you, for keeping me all positive (but still selit little things) always. I can’t be more happier if he’s happy now. My liver, heart and lungs dying, I wouldn’t want him to go through tons of burden on him if he ever knows i still keep him in a place that i could only have him but not own all of him. May Allah bless you dunia akhirat for keeping me all convinced regardless of how tough it still could be. ❤️ Nqrecovering
05 August 2018 // things wasn’t meant for us now but maybe one day if He wills it, Insya’Allah we will cross path again. Thank you Mama for doing me a favour which I never thought we could make it through. Maybe he might know, maybe not. But his “i wonder how you know my adress. Hmmmmmmm” tells me like he knew who was the one. Cookies and cream, main course of all though i know he’s not a fan of cupcakes. I wish, when he asked who was it from, I wish Mama could tell you who was it from but maybe things are better to be untold. Thank you Mama😔❤️
05 August 2018 // A day that still am playing fresh in mind, all years of celebrations with you. Those years are never enough frankly, and I thought years to come I could still be the most excited one to wish you at 12am exact and make the whole day a crazy patience testing day in a good way. But i was wrong, when everything fell apart. Apart during my battle peak period. Let’s just get over that situation but yes, I was still feeling so anxious as to why I didn’t make today a day for you until I realise, who am I to you to make all these again. I’ll never be able to slot in again and I accept it with great big heart bcs no one ever wants to live their life with an ill incurable and worsening health partner. If ever they are given the chance to live with a healthy partner, all of them will choose to. Typing and deleting, calling and cancelling, I ended up losing faith the whole day and just keep my inner self to sleep just so I won’t think so much. I’m sorry to let the day flow without wishing you anything bcs honestly yes, I’m still afraid and fearful of what might be the next phrase that you will lay out. However, here’s to the 24th life. “Happy 24th Birthday!” (If ever one day you happen to need me, I’m here. Don’t worry, no guy would ever feel the jealousy if you ever come talking to me if you understand what I’m trying to say🐣) Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
05 August 2018 // a little different this year, that I had to sleep early till 1am just so I’ll not be too excited at 12am and realise there’s just nothing for me to look forward to anymore. Having the thoughts of miracles will occur today for myself, I laughed to it because it can’t be happening any ways. It hurts, it surely does when my phone suddenly pops up “My Man’s Birthday”. But again like I said, I gotta be positive and never put great hopes to anything even on my own health, for everything are just once in a lifetime lending by Him. Yeap, I didn’t want myself to go through tears at 12am though I know I was up all along. So I decided to put everything away and just have my iPad-youtube time just as I woke up later at 1am. I’m sorry if ever you’re expecting anything from me at 12am probably but I just have no courage for everything no more. As i type this out, I too felt like deleting it and never let you realise that I still remember this date fresh in my mind. 12am, it’s either a video call or you’ll be right next to me right now snoring your life out. I wouldn’t want to ruin your day. Most of all, Happy 24th Birthday, Mr! May you continue to grow up with big ambitions, aims and objectives with all the people you love. Even more, to grow up with a better ego-lovable heart (but ego way lesser than love) maybe with someone perfect since I can never be one anymore i guess with my way of life now, even more when I’m still unsure what’s there to prove better things and maybe you’ll be tired to see me fight every battle out of my life. May you too, be a good son to my wonderful Mama dunia akhirat, be the man of Islam. Amin. Happy 24th Birthday mi luv;’) Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah
04 August 2018 // as much as I can, I’m gonna try to keep myself away from having those poured feelings on you. Even more to keep myself always positive and accept situations. Yes, I do misses you. So much. If I have a choice to give you the best present at 12am, I would give you my whole love of tight hug. But you’re gone. Patience, accept and positive. Thank you Allah❤️ Irinduyou_03
04 August 2018 // I can’t say much but tmr’s the painful day and I’m gonna have to face it with great courage and positivity, Insya’Allah.
03 August 2018 // here’s to a one night stand with themz. Friend with wife still call us babe, friend with gf still call us babe, friend without partner still call us babe.
3 August 2018 // It could have been the most eggciting period of the month that I’ve always looked forward for, after all the crazy ideas but ends up that you’ll definitely know them all. But you’re gone, gone and unsure whether the wind will return for better together. It could have been like a countdown between us, just kept counting but you’re gone too soon. But I’m proud at how far you’ve gone. Hearing news here and there be it good or bad, I know you’ll make it through all obstacles with great courage and patience. It could have been our day where we will spend a day together just on bed with netflix or probably movies, but again, you’re gone too soon. If, it could have been our great 41st in conjunction with your birthday in less than 48 hours time. But you’re gone too soon. I could only keep my wishes in my prayers and heart for you this year and so on. I’m sorry, I’m still fearful as I am. I miss you. Please don’t appear in my dreams quite frequent ok, bcs you really did so frequently these past weeks. I can’t say I’ll wait bcs I can’t but, I’ll keep you in my heart always and forever will💞 Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03
01 August 2018 // atok, it saddens me knowing how bad my illness have gone now when I should have taken precautions right at the moment when they say my blood are showing signs of leukemia and I’ve got 12 months to fight solidly so as to not let the body be really diagnosed with leukemia. Later, slowly i found out those leukemia cells turned into something worse; an incurable disease, Lupus. No cure and pains may worsen over years that I may also experience failures in organs. Atok, it saddens me how my Liver functionality had left me with 55% to survive another decade of my life. Even more, my heart and lungs linings are depleting, making things dangerous over time. Atok, maybe you were right about me needing to treasure him more than i love him but i was right about setting him free though I could not bare to see myself losing him. I could see how he did changed but I don’t really know all because I fear, so much. I know you told me to never give up and fix things together because you regretted how you couldn’t fixed things with nenek but atok, I guess many of my fixing part gone wrong for some of my unreasonable excuses. But mostly, whatever I said about my illness to him, it really happen and confirmed diagnosed and I think he doesn’t know that because he still thinks I’m faking my pains. It’s ok, I’m fine with it atok. Maybe if fate isn’t for us, I’m happy to have him in my heart, forever. I think I won’t be getting myself a partner or maybe chase after my love life, because Prof himself told me months back that there might be or might not be complications in future with current status of my health. I worry if my other half would be tired of being there for me all the time at the hospital, watching me undergo treatments, being a pain in the ass, and of all being clingy when I’m so ill. You know atok, I do misses him and as much as he did mentioned before “i believe u will love me till ur last breath”, yes I do. Atok, everyone around me has always been worrying about me so frequent whenever I say I’m fine but they just seem not believe. Sometimes I just feel like I’m so ill that I’m a burden. I know I shouldn’t say this but I just don’t want them to think I’m ill and always needing help. Atok, it’s been sometime I visited you ever since I fell ill, but you’re always in my heart too. Today’s supposed to be your day but you left me and all of us for 3 years now. Your last words and smile to me still runs so fresh in my mind. Sometimes, I still blame myself for not feeling the amiss and never stayed to check on you properly. Because of you too, I decided to take up nurses life. Atok, selamat hari lahir☹️❤️ may Allah put you together with the mighty ones in His Heaven, amin. I love you, i miss you.
31 July 2018 // Ya Allah, how tiring can I be for the past few days? It’s really tiring that I really went under my patience level. Yes, aside from all those tired straight shifts and school, it’s just the time of the month that’s coming. But as much as I would love to compose myself, many are going against my patience and just keep testing me. I’m really sorry but I became so weak each time my patience falls apart now. I’ve never been mad for quite a long period of time now, that I barely understand how to rant things out when my patience is low. It’s good but it’s killing me internally that I couldn’t say out what I wish it could be like. Aside from all of these, it’s just my fault of keeping and hiding my pains that’s spreading. It hurts so badly, so much that I barely could understand why didn’t my medications work out? I definitely wouldn’t want to be at the hospital now that’s why I acted so strong and kept hiding the pains but truthfully, my pains are intense. Bruises coming out everywhere now but I still am not doing something when they’re signs of my liver inflammation flares of lupus. I’m sorry ibu abah, but i have no choice but to keep myself strong seeing how each one of us are sick frequently, lately. I’ll promise to keep myself all strong and fight through these pains off. Disah, what could be the worse now that Prof’s words are becoming real and you still insist of fighting against all these with just home medications? Keep yourself all loved☹️🐣❤️ Nqrecovering
30 July 2018 // worse of my life knowing how one of my ex-colleague just shocked me to the point that I rather lose him as a friend than continue having him as a friend. I’ve always known this friend of mine as the friendly kind like how he used to talk to some of us INCLUDING me at work back then with the word “babe” sometimes or maybe by names too. Everything changed today when my Facebook memory had a picture of him with Adric and just you know sudden friend kind of thing that I suddenly dm IG him “AYE BABE GUESS WHO APPEARED IN MY FACEBOOK MEMORY TODAY *sends his photo with adric* DADDY MATERIAL ENOUGH IS IT” it may be a wrong thing I did there after months of not talking and bomb hours later, I received back a reply from his gf saying “sorry im his gf. In the first place he is not your babe and secondly who do you think you are to have the rights to compliment him in such a way? I bet you don’t like it too if some random girls pop up in your partner’s dm and call him babe and compliment him as such.” I literally turned off and tweeted “ok prolly you should just keep your bf away frm us, block the girls out of his social media for precaution worrying other friends he used to be closed to will also suddenly slide into his dm as such.” Can you imagine the next minute I found out he tweeted too “that’s disgusting bro. You’re my friend’s ex and I have a gf. Don’t talk to me like that.” And he blocked me on IG. I swear next moment I decided to unfriend him everywhere but before I did that, me being me, just seeks for apology from the gf worried if i’ll die and be questioned why didn’t i seek for forgiveness for my “wrongdoings”. But.......My ex-colleague replied me back “kau nk ape? Tibe tibe dm aku mcm gitu. Aku da lama tk bobal dngn kau tibe tibe kau panggil aku babe. Pasal kau aku gaduh dngn gf aku. Just get out of this convo.” Unfriended, blocked, goodbye. Sayonara “BABE”. First of all, back then you used to call me babe sometimes and now it felt like she doesn’t even know how you were at work i guess. Then, come on, who do you think you are that i might want to flirt with you? 😫 If you’re handsome like the one in my heart, i would have tackled you right after tiger left me. Dui bu dui? Or maybe if you were thinking otherwise abt the word babe, it is your stupidity bcs you know what kind of person am i but you acted like you don’t. Then, i said sorry for the uncomfortable level made to you and gf so randomly after months but you asked me to get out of the convo. So don’t you blame me for not explaining to your gf abt what i really meant, it’s your fault. I had stated things clearly; I meant no wrong intentions but if you were thinking otherwise of this, it’s your mistake. Since you told me off so i respected your decision, left and unfriended you. Not being a kid but i think you’re too kind to be part of my friends. If really you decide to tell my ex abt it, go ahead bcs if he knows me well, he will too get confused as to why do i want to flirt with you by calling babe, complimenting you with daddy material when all along I’ve always adore your relationship bcs both are just as handsome and pretty for each other. And he’ll be confused too maybe after you telling the reasons which I guess some guys out there would call their friends babe or by names randomly too and never meant by otherwise words. (But sehandsome mane pn klau prasantan until you think otherwise, hmmm) As such too, i know this is sinful to cut ties but even if i happen to see you outside next time, i’ll never even bother to look at you as a friend. Just shocked me real badly when i found out how changed you are now. I bet you were thinking my babe is baby hahaha that’s why you got mad i guess. Hais friend friend, if i want to flirt with you, i could have done it long time ago even when i have a bf. But sadly, I’m really loyal to one and many including you, knows that i guess. I’m sorry for being a friend that unfriend you all over and “made you fought” with your gf but i guess i rather would stay safe more now from all of these mess. I rather not create troubles or mess if one hates. No worries, some of my other guy friends who knew me at the same period as you, who rarely sits with me at the coffeeshop some nights even with their gf who barely know me, their gf are still fine with me calling babe randomly at times bcs i mean babe as a friend not babe as baby;) thank Allah, these kind of guy friends’ gf they still have the chance to meet me and see what kind of person am I when I start to joke around and never mean anything besides being told by their bf. Oh even more, trusting their bf more than me bcs I love to joke all out with them🤷🏼‍♀️ i hope if my ex ever knows abt this, he won’t think otherwise like you do if he knows how I communicate with friends🙂 day RIPNSFriend ILostMyNSfriend
30 July 2018 // touched my heart, closed my eyes, and words just flow into inner me “why keep blaming yourself? Why keep running? Why keep lying and pretending? Why too ego? Why cry now? Why, is it because you’re starting to realise how much you actually love and misses him?” I’m sorry but as of now, I guess it’s better for us to both prove what’s worth in ourselves and fix things into better shape. If really it’s meant to be, it will return one day for sure. Yes, i do have so much things to do with you but how can I when I’m so fearful that one will leave me again? Yes, I may be waiting unknowingly but I have to keep it just in my prayers and do nothing abt fighting. But just why you start popping up so much lately? I’m sorry but if I ever have the courage one day, I’ve guessed my MOST AWKWARD question; why didn’t you come to the hospital when I was in need of you? Everyone but you, up to today. Impossible i’ll be able to be with someone who’s able to love me whole of his heart again bcs my life is not perfect anymore. I’m also unsure if I could be the best and not give my other half troubles of being with me throughout especially when I’m fighting for my life. My liver’s dying, my heart and lungs are hard to say. Just a bad morning after so long, so bad because tears starts to fall when my inner self questioned my heart. Allahuakhbar. Hmmm Irinduyou_03
29 July 2018 // you don’t know how much I’ve been smiling since I felt your presence so near to me. Really smiling widely though I only saw you from your back. So close yet so far at heart:’) i miss you Irinduyou_03
29 July 2018 // weird for me to be saying this but it felt like a dream is coming true. Do you know how crazy mad insane am i missing you until today? That today you finally appear beneath my eyes though it’s on your back, it felt like tears are running down in the heart. If only I could at least ask how are you or maybe how’s NS life. Or have you found one that you would wife? (No too crazy) or how’s motorbike? (Neh weird) or let’s go drink?(neh I don’t want to end up drinkng too much bcs butterflies) or AH LANTAK AH NK TNYE BNYK BUT CANNOT FIGURE OUT ONE THAT WON’T BE SO AWKWARD FML. But I couldn’t even get those words out. Thinking Abang would come home alone, I could lepak with Abang, but turns out you’re here too. It was just awhile before you came that I actually met you in my dreams, laughing TOGETHER WITH ME, tickling me like you’ve never done it before. Ya Allah, Alhamdulillah for letting me encounter this moment with ease though my heart’s still burning over what happened. I miss you, i still do. Irinduyou_03
21 July 2018 // it hurts knowing just how much I’ve got to sacrifice this real feelings inside of me. It definitely hurts, but after all, I’m doing this because I wouldn’t want to remind ibu and abah over their trauma of “ape la nasib gerl. Bila da kt hujung penyakit, ade je yg tinggalkn.” again as of now yet. It still felt like it was only yesterday that it all happened. I still wonder what’s the real reasons behind your absence that i barely could understand. Maybe it was just my fault to love you so much whole heartedly and didn’t realised that i wasn’t loved properly. It hurts knowing how crazy i still am at the moment over that night. Thinking that i was faking my pains just so you’ll hang in there with me, I wish you knew the truth but how the sh¡t should i convey it all to you when all you thought was to expect a big surprise from me for your 23rd. I carried on with heavy heart to only convey to ibu abah. I thought I’d heal over the months and get my mission to be the better one for you starts, but i was wrong. I worsened. I know, no one ever deserves a life to commit to a fighter. I’m sorry if ever one day you open to all these again, I’m sorry for making you sad, mad and disappointed in me. I’m never gonna be able to be the best for you even if one day you ever appear infront of me. Wanting to have you in front of me right now, is all i ever wanted but I’m just being ego over the pains and all i could do was to run away from you when I’m actually looking for your long awaited explanations. I wonder have you ever asked yourself what I’ve been putting in for you all along because i love you too much that I’m blinded by the future risks. Have you ever wondered why i kept pulling you back in my arms despite the most enormous pains you’ve caused in me than my mistakes on you. I’m sorry but these are just things i kept questioning myself. I hate to say this but i miss you so much. Up to today, I just kept bottling up my emotions and words because there’s just no one I’ll be able to open up to, to just cry so much. You? Even more I can’t because “i hate seeing you cry” but these tears are here because of you. I’m sorry. Nqrecovering
18 July 2018 // I’m sorry but I can’t do this. To love someone else was just out of my control. To stand with words that I’m over you, the more I can’t do this. I’m sorry but the more I hate, the more I try, the more you became so permanent. It hurts, it definitely do. What’s more when I gotta sacrifice my feelings again for everyone else? Till when shall I be able to stand on my own with the real feelings inside of me? Denying things that are true enough, how long must it be this way? I’m sorry but I just wanna run towards you and hug you so tightly for me to let out my misses. How long more Disah? I miss you, i do so much. Just so much tears kept falling apart when you became so permanent in me. I’m really tired of pretending and trying to stop myself from calling you just to tell you just how bad you’ve been missed😔😢💔✨ Irinduyou_03
11 July 2018 // must i stop the feelings that came by before that didn’t fade away? I miss you, always waiting for you who always understands. Why did you have to go? You could have let me know. Now, I’m all alone. You could have stayed but you wouldn’t give me a chance. With you not around, it’s a little bit more than I can stand. All my tears, they kept running down my face. Why did you turn away? I’ll wait for yoy cause I don’t know what else I can do. Don’t tell me I ran out of time. If takes the rest of my life, I’ll wait for you. If you think I’m fine, it just ain’t true. I really need you in my life. No matter what I have to do, I’ll wait for you. Been a long time since you called me, how could you forget about me? You gotta be feeling crazy, how can you walk away? Everything stays the same, I just can’t do it. What will it take to make you come back? I told you what it is, and it just ain’t like that. Why can’t you look at me? Why can’t we just start over again? Get it back to the way it way? If you give me a chance, I can love you right but you’re telling me it won’t be enough. Know we didn’t end this so good but you know we had something so good. So I’m wondering, can we be friends if it ends? Nqrecovering
03 July 2018 // better things were waiting for us, for you, when you decided to ruin everything in just a day. For what you did to me, I’m sorry but I’m not over those anger yet. Yes, the anger in me is to the point where I could lift a bat to swing it to you. It hurts more than what you ever know. I still wonder, how was my mistakes looks so worse than what your mistakes were? How could I even close my eyes to every of your mistakes and nvr dwell but even the slightest mistakes of mine became a thing for you. Or maybe what’s more painful when I heard that you were tired to handle a fighter like I am? I swear I didn’t recognised this helmy for months now. No words, no reasons, no explanations. Just like that and thinking I was all fine i guess? Thank Allah, I have a bunch of loves who could comfort me WHILE I was battling with liver failure and heart-lungs low functionality. But where were you? It could have been our 40th today, and my plans to surprise you a plane ticket for your 24th with the whole family just came crashing down:’) I still await your presence to tell me your explanations and reasons i guess. I’m sad that became the person you vowed not to be. You’ve been missed. Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah
26 June 2018 // hi mohamad, kind of missing you a little too much tonight😂😔❤️✨ wished i could tell you this. just no idea why but just a little too much that i kept flipping to all your nonsensical videos and repeat again and again.
15 June 2018 // thank you for enlightening my days even when you had no time for me. The moments where you stood beneath my watery eyes to comfort me and just keep saying how one man will come by to love me strongly but can’t beat the love i had towards tiger. Again, you’re just the same as the rest who still sees Mohamad in my eyes. I’m sorry, I’ve lost faith in falling in love bcs of him. For me to trust a guy’s loyalty became so hard on me. I love you kakak😚❤️ Nqrecovering
21 June 2018 // ya Allah, Masya’Allah. How terrible can this feeling be at the moment? In the middle of 5am, I felt the need to give up I swear. Dear pains, please stop spreading, please stop hurting me internally. It’s just so unbearable for me. I don’t wish to be in real huge pain right now. Ibu’s gonna be down with an operation tmr and I’m the only one gonna be the main person to represent Abah since he’s working. Body, please don’t collapse on me. I’m sorry but I can’t get you treated just yet still. I know the swelling are worsening, fever spiking up again. But please, keep yourself all strong sayang. I’m really so tired. Just really so tired to be in this state. I just wanna cry so much. I remembered how each time when I get so lethargic and in pain, Mohamad would be the one comforting me to bed, putting me under his arms on the bed and put me to nap, giving my body a little massage to ease my pain, and all he kept reminding me was “you’re a strong girl, i know it’s painful but you have to fight. I love you.” And then kisses my forehead. But when he’s no longer around, his presence felt real at times. Body, just please fight😫😭💔 Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03
19 June 2018 // aye baby, here’s what you need to know. Every step of life will nvr be easy with challenges around you but rest assured, it will be a smooth one if you believe that there lies a great reason behind each of it. Finding out how crazy the results are, you just gotta pray for the best that Allah will one day bring down beautiful gifts for you. Allahu, sabar ok Disah😌❤️ Nqrecovering
15 June 2018 // i wasn’t supposed to send this at all but my little ones thinks it’s ok to just click send on my behalf (they acted like they wanted to read) despite countless retypes and tears that rolled down. I know they felt me but I’m just not as strong as you think, little ones. Just even that reply from you really got me teared up even more. I’m sorry but I’ve got to erase the last phrase of I miss you. I wish, just how i wish you’re so close for me. Always in heart but far at sight. Eid Mubarak, i miss you😔❤️ Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah
15 June 2018 // Assalamualaikum love. Eid Mubarak to you. Raya this year will be a different one for the both of us for the first. The last raya photo we had and I’m glad I could keep every of our moment well. Mama invited me to go over but you know, it’ll definitely be hard for me. Even more to seek for forgiveness from you, I can never do it (besides not being able to converse the forgiveness session in malay, you know I can’t haha). Mohamad, for all I’ve known you, there’s so many bittersweet moments. I’m blessed you came by but for me to pray for you to be the one for me, I hope Allah knows better on this. If really my prayers were answered as to you again, I’ll still leave it up to Him and redha for what will be between us here and after. Mohamad, it’s not may but definitely, I have so much wrongs towards you. From lies to hates, forgive me. But never have it come across my mind about cheating behind your back. Never, bcs I love you all my heart like how He makes me feel so calm when I have you around through good and bad times. Alhamdulillah for He make you the first love in my life that I cherish so much despite the saddening outcome. It still hurts and I can’t deny it but as much as it hurts, how long should I be this mad towards you? Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s whether they’re able to put it as a lesson learnt or a thing to keep dwelling on for every fight that occurs. Mohamad, thank you for everything thus far. Forgive me but imma lie to you if I say I hate you, I do not miss you. Mohamad, demi Allah, forgive me for all my mistakes I’ve done be it intentionally or not. If you ask me what I could have done, I’d say I’d be the one with no mistakes for you. But it’s stupid if I’m saying such bcs even the pious people makes mistakes in life. Again, to dwell or turn it to lesson. This year’s raya definitely is different but I’m still blessed that I’m still around to be able to celebrate despite organs failure months back and predicted thus far my strength and chances. I’m sorry if that point of moment when you heard news around you, gave you a real hit that I wasn’t lying about my illness internally that even make you think that I was lying to keep you with me all along. I forgive you for all those mistakes you’ve done but I’m sorry that I’m still not over you for leaving me when your supports matters to me during my critical battle. You’ve been the best one in my life, I admit. Those guys I went out with, they’re just not like you who knows and understands when something occurs or when this cranky starts, they know less to handle it. Unlike you, all they know was to spend on luxury things for me but all you gave me was time, love and memories. Mohamad, till we cross path again to love each other stronger than before and make the future a better with no dwells of past, if ever He wills us to be together again one day. Mohamad, salam eid mubarak to you, love you😌😢❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Nqrecovering
14 June 2018 // oh ya right it makes sense now that my Lupus has been reacting without obvious symptoms. Here with bad mouth and throat sores till it gives the hardest headache to control that I couldn’t sleep. I swear raya this year isn’t a kick too for the standbys when we’ve planned to go back GV and Al-Aqso for raya instead. Zzz patah hati liao Nqrecovering
14 June 2018, 0325hrs // I know you won’t see nor know about this even if I direct it to you but I’m sorry Tiger, I can’t do this. I hate you for making me feel this way. Making me feel the needs and wants of you all my life. For months, I was living life without you especially during my real critical battle that my organs really mere to fail on me. Where were you? Where were you when all I needed and wanted was you besides my family? Where were you to support me when I supported you almost all my life? Where were you Mohamad? WHERE? For months too, I persuaded myself to be ok even when I wasn’t, new guys came by to try date me out, but everything came crashing down again and again when I see you in my eyes. WHERE WERE YOU MOHAMAD?! Just where Mohamad? Now, all you did was to keep appearing beneath my eyes each time it closes. More often than before. Your voices, your everything come to sense just as I prayed for someone new to come by. Why Mohamad? What have I done that you kept hunting me down this way? Why😭 I’m sorry if I wasn’t the best for you but please don’t torture my feelings this way. It hurts Mohamad, it does. I’m sorry but if you ever appear before me, all I will do first was to punch you before I could hug you so tightly. I’m sorry too if I’ll end up crying like a cry baby the moment I hug you but you’re a piece of ass. Come home Mohamad, I’m sorry but come home😔 i hate it when I had to lie to Ibu Abah Rin for each time they talked about you nowadays. They left me with no choice but to lie just so no one will ever know what I felt. I know they knew what’s going on in this heart and mind nowadays but I still have to keep pretending and keep lying. I’m sorry I’m being so selfish for doing this. There’s so much of you coming to life now, I just can’t hang in here too much seeing and hearing all of it. I admit, you’re the missing piece that I acted to replace. I miss you, i do Mohamad. The emotions while I type, can never describe the real feelings I have right now. 💔 Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah
14 June 2018 // our first photo together. Ya Allah rindunya. I’m sorry but how i really wish you know how much I’ve missed you Mohamad😔❤️ Irinduyou_03
13 June 2018 // Ya Allah, Astaghfirullahalazim. How could it even come across my heart to suddenly say “Ya Allah, mane la Mohamad.” 😭😭😭 I swear my heart suddenly felt the crash out of nowhere. How could I even suddenly say it? Why are you so permanent? Countless tries and I still end up getting the same answers; your voices, your smiles, everything. Mohamad, please don’t punish my heart this way. It hurts knowing how much I just need to be honest to myself that I really misses you so much. I hate you for making me feel the heavy misses I have on you. It felt so painful that I have to keep pretending I’m fine without you when the fact is I come to realisation that you’re permanent. Ya Allah, the tears starts to fall when I denied that I miss you. How could you do this to me, Mohamad? Just how long more? I swear I’m gonna put everything aside esp my anger and sadness, if you’re right next to me now. Because all I want and needed to do is to just hug you so tightly and tell you just how much I’ve missed you before I punch you. I tried, I almost succeed to even forget that you existed but you came back for every prayers I said “if you’re meant for me, bring you closer or else put you far away from me.” 😭😭😭 i just hate you so much for making me feel this way Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah
09 June 2018 // i swear i shed so much tears when i saw your photos. It really touched my heart knowing how “man” have you grown for the first phase of NS though I might prolly know what’s going on around you. Mohamad, i swear i’ve been trying to send some msges to you but I’m afraid. I’ve no idea why should i but yeah, i fear so much. That face, reminds me so much of how you’d widen your eyes when i make mistakes. Despite me not being able to witness your day, I’m still gonna say that I’m really proud of you! Definitely:’) how i wish I could give you a long text, congratulating you but i just kept deleting it off unless you start it first. Mohamad, be a good responsible person as days goes by. Manage your time and money properly bcs that’s the main key thing to live in life. No matter how painful have you hurt me, leaving me while I was seriously battling a real life, I’m still proud of your milestone. Those sacrifices i made to skip school and work to prepare for your school but ended up losing focus and just dump school bcs you’ve hated NS so much. Now? I’m so proud you! I wish I could treat you a good meal soon but I dare not to. It’s prolly just me Zizi Mama and Nyayi soon i guess. Mohamad, HAPPY POP😭❤️ i miss you, i do. (Thank you mama for all the photos you got for me, i swear you just make my day so much better despite the period of the month:’) ) HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03
09 June 2018 // I swear I’m really proud of your first NS milestone. Been the best one for all 3 years; helping me with errands to making great surprises for abg, everything. Thank you zizi! May your next phases of NS be all well. I’ll definitely see you soon ok with Mama!!!
03 June 2018 // life would have been so beautiful if things are better as days goes by. Faithful, ego, loyalty, trust, love, everything. Sometimes I wonder why but you know things happened for a reason. Probably it became this way to let us learn who to love. Having your partner’s family to still keep in contact and always needing me at many points, I felt so numb to come in contact with you. It could have been the 39th today but you’re gone too soon. I miss you, very much:’)
28 May 2018 // been some time since i last get my legs muscle up. But again, to do it, i must be over a year at least. Wouldn’t want myself to suffer haemorrhage just over my temptations. Slow but surely baby, way to go liver! Let’s do this😌❤️ Nqrecovering
28 May 2018 // aye baby, just 2 more days before you fly to Denmark. Gonna miss you, for sure will be waiting for you return before we go for raya okkk😌✨
27 May 2018 // hate to say this but I kinda not be able to hang in here that long over these real pains😭 the bones, the upset tummy which I assume is not my tummy but liver. Gotta keep fighting the pains off Nqrecovering
27 May 2018 // part time girlfriend also feels like real girlfriend:’)
27 May 2018 // you nk iftar dngn i? Iftar-nak tkpe.
22 May 2018 // it hurts me knowing that I’m going through same painful phase again. The infections and inflammations just couldn’t stop growing in my tissues and organs. It’s just so painful, really painful that I could only keep convincing myself to endure and fight despite knowing the hardships of it. What else can I do at this stage besides continuing to pray for the best? Ya Allah, breaking down into huge tears in the middle of the night because of the uncontrollable pain, Masya’Allah. Dear Lupus, please do not inflame any of my organs esp my heart, lungs and liver. I’ve went through the pain and I couldn’t be so strong if it was not because of Allah and family. I just don’t know what am I suppose to feel at this point. The pain is just cruel. Masya’Allah, for every pain that comes, Allah is trying to replace it to demolish the sins. Body, please fight through😔❤️ please do not fail on me again, I need you to function properly, I can’t afford to be so ill again like that 4 months of stay-in. I wouldn’t want to go through another surgery nor major procedure just because you can’t fight against it all. Disah, please fight through love. You can’t lose to them again, you can’t lose your organs functions again. I’m sorry but you gotta get up stronger than now. It’s really pulling you down internally, so please fight. Sayang, don’t lose faith. Allah loves you for He wants to test how strong you are at this point. Allah wants you to know your highest limits. Remember, Ibu Abah little ones, they’re your most priority. If you fall ill again, what will happen to them Disah? Remember how tears kept falling on each of them every night after kissing you to head home or maybe through the phone? It’s painful to see their tears so you can’t hang in here and let the internals down. Get up Disah, just get up Disah😭 fight through Disah, fight! Don’t lose faith in your fights because you’re stronger than you know. Just keep enduring and fight it all😢❤️ Nqrecovering
19 May 2018 // my grandatok, may Allah place you within the pious people in heaven. Been 3 years and I’m still not over that day yet. I can’t seem to digest what had happened that day still but I know, Allah took you away from me so I could live independently and stronger alone. I miss you atok, i do. Alfatehah☹️❤️
18 May 2018 // my dear Raiyan Akid, I totally got to a point that I had to cry when I got news from Mama regarding your results. It’s been a year plus Akid and you’re still thinking that I’m playing around about you ending up in the wrong path. Akid, all I wanted was the best of you. I know how much you have been trying for the past year and months but come on, just a few more months Akid. It’s crazy how you did study well when Abg Helmy was around and do much more better each time Abg Helmy lectures you. But then Akid, please understand my situation will you? I’m still not ready to face him just yet in this condition especially. I know it’s been some time now. Akid, I’ve put in so much effort to ensure you know all your basics and yes you did but what happened afterwards? You flung the whole thing bcs you simply don’t do your readings and revision the days before. Akid, can we not look into the situation where Abg Helmy have to come down every tuition lesson to make you understand the importance of studying? I’ll die gasping for air each time if that happens. Akid, just why😭 am i not good enough or are you just too lazy?😭
17 May 2018 // hi awak, jngn lupa puasa horz awak tu setiap tahun time puasa mesti sakit. Awak faham je la ye, saya tahu sangat😌 may you have the great iman to go through puasa better this year Mohamad😚 please too, don’t forget to eat your sahur properly ok bcs you’re always putting your sleep the top priority and then sahur towards the end, then gastric. No hospital this hear i hope for you. Happy berpuasa bae😌❤️ Irinduyou_03
16 May 2018 // hi Mohamad, I wonder how crazy this can be for me to handle. It’s crazy how those hates turns into misses and love. Probably what everyone says is true, someday I’ll fall back even when I build hatred because the hardest person will always be the worth-your-time fighting for. But im just unsure still. I admit, it’s definitely tough these few weeks that YOU kept crossing my mind and make me feel those unwanted emotions. POP’s nearing and Abang Ahmad kept wanting me to come along to witness your parade bcs he say “Allah give you the chance, you should take it bcs deep down inside I know what’s going on.” I’m sorry but I did cry over you at times these weeks bcs I’m just a weak soul with no bravery to stand up for my feelings. You’ll nvr see any Eem notifications, guess you’ll nvr see all these again. Tiger’s stuck and just don’t want to get out anymore. But of all, these feelings towards you, it’s just indescribable. Just indescribable, Tiger. I can’t even explain my own feelings, so how the h3ll my guts will boost? I just hais😭 crazy how I’d still end up having feelings for this Tiger despite having few of the better ones beneath my eyes just waiting for me. Irinduyou_03
9 May 2018 // two insertions are on before the op but still stays there until this moment before wednesdays comes for me to get my liver stitches checked, new dressings and these insertions check too. Alhamdulillah that my liver is at least 75% working now. Just needing to get it extra well taken care of for at least a year or internal bleeds and there goes a chance of failure or new implant. But i hope not, not even another organ that’ll fail on me over lupus. Dear heart and lungs, you’re on the list of 24/7 observation over the risks. Pls not. I may survived 5 months of battle without proper liver function, that doesn’t mean it’ll be the same for the two of you. Just let me take a break after few ops within 6 months already. Positivity Disah😌❤️ Human Body Part Real People Indoors  Body Part Human Leg People Human Hand
13 May 2018 // HAPPY IBU, MAMA, UMI, MUMMY, MAK DAY😚❤️ my dunia akhirat mothers but yet again my first champ is my queen! I love you all❤️ Large Group Of People Crowd Real People Group Of People Young Adult Young Women Happiness
8 May 2018 // was a good jaybeee trip with good lunch. Definitely a big thank you to izzat and fadhil for insisting me to go on this trip even when I say I have an op the next dayz Smiling Portrait Happiness Togetherness Group Of People Headshot Young Adult
10 May 2018 // crazy how you can make me cry every now and then when you come across my mind. Ya Allah just how long more should I keep pretending that I’m done with these feelings? To keep that feeling of extreme misses towards you and acted like I don’t. I wish you knew this but I could only hope that Allah conveys this to you one day. The feeling is really indescribable that I just want to hug you so tightly right now. Too much of keeping others convinced that I’m really doing great without you but deep down inside of me? Only He knows how insane it can be. I wonder why wasn’t I at my best for you while you were still around? You know at this point if you’re still around, you’ll be giving in your best to just comfort me so much not to fall apart with these unbearable pains. You’ll be keeping yourself awake through the night to keep me accompanied and ensure that all is good before you go to sleep. How painful can this be? I just miss you so much, Mohamad. Really so much and I’m sorry I became a cry baby each time you come across my mind. I just can’t hold back these tears any more like how I kept holding back my real feelings😭 I miss you so much💔 Irinduyou_03
06 May 2018 // can’t seem to forgive myself for this. For the heavy heart and the coward I have in me after losing someone precious in life, I had to cry each time Mama or the little ones get me on the line. It hurts knowing how close they will always be in this heart😔❤️ I’m sorry but I have to lie over this feeling each time all of you talk about him. It’s hard but only Allah knows just how much I would want to hug and cry if really he appears before me with the hardest word of his life. Always will always do😪❤️ Text Communication Paper No People Document Western Script Backgrounds
03 May 2018 // hi love, it’s been some time but I just hope that one day Allah will send mine and all of our loves and misses towards you. Far away and when I try to forget it all, it comes back much more stronger. Always keeping you and family part of my prayers. I miss you, HAPPY CRANKY 38th❤️ Irinduyou_03
24.04.2018, 0040hrs // it hurts so much knowing that it can just cross my mind at any point of time and when it does, it could make me feel that half soul gone kind. In the mids of lesson, I could just suddenly break down bcs your voice and laughter was ‘heard’ that I couldn’t hold back my tears. Masya’Allah, just how much I could be missing you right now. It felt so bad until this point. And just when that feeling pops up, you too pops up in my SC list. Ya Allah, how I wish you knew. Missing you a little tooooo much today😥😢❤️ Nqmhs03 Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah
20.04.2018 // HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY KHAIRUL AZIZI!!! Thankful for your presence esp those times when I have to get your brother up for school and/or work, I end up needing to get you to do it. Those helps with Mama’s birthday and Abg’s birthday. Everything, thank you Azizi! I shall bring you and Mama out for dinner soon ok! Forgive me, I wish to celebrate your birthday together with everyone but you know, it’s definitely gonna be hard on me still. I hope you understand that. Missing each one of you;’) Nqrecovering
18.04.2018 // insane when I found out my squads are working out well (can’t show it all) those muscles are strengthening bigger. Worth it all. Week one of school is donez, 12 lessons to go with the buiiis. But what i mostly am interested more is going for nasi fish penyet dates with syfq (makcik until recognise us already for 2 sems now) may it all goes smoothly and let me be done soon hehe! Nqrecovering
16.04.2018 // thankful for the ones who still be so loyal even through my ups and downs of fighting life. Alhamdulillah, another year of April babies’ party. A big happiest birthday to the April Trios - Kak Nur, Abah & Adik - be it belated, on the dot or advance. May Allah bless all of you with long and wealth healthy life, be protected by Him every day and be safe in His great plannings. But of all, hurts me when Abah said about him in the morning and later his expressions when Mohamad wishes him, Ya Allah I teared seeing it. May He return him one day to all of us again Insya’Allah. Fi Hifzillah. I love you all😚❤️ Nqrecovering Jynsdsqsrs
13.04.2018, 0108hrs // aye baby! I hope you’re all fine for the past one week now and still trying to adapt to the new routine. Typing all these is useless bcs you’ll never be reading Eem anymore but still, I hope one day all of these will make you feel better if you happen to miss me (prays hard). Other than that, I leave it to Him to reach my loves and misses to you in one way or another one day. Honestly, I miss you a little too much these days. Tears rolling each night I play those youtube videos of you. To let go and break apart is not painful but, breaking apart and still loving is painful. If only you knew how much this body just need to hug you so badly. If only you knew how much this mouth wants to share good and bad news over the months. If only you knew how bad this ears wants to listen to you nagging endlessly and just sharing everything. If only you knew just how much this nose wants to smell and snuggle under your armpit. If only you knew how much this hands would love to touch your face. I miss you, I do. Happy serving nation, my dear Mohamad! May Allah ease the two years journey for you and may Allah too bless you with good health throughout. ☺️😪❤️ HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
4-6 April 2018 My greatest comeback ever, after a year plus of “MIA”. Thank Allah He gave me the sunshines after the storms. Many still wandered why I shut myself down for the past year. But say no more, here comes Didi back at it all. Thank you Bee for making me so convinced that you’ll make every other day a better one while it last. “If the physical walks away, the promises follow. We will pull you back up and love you stronger.” But sad enough, whenever I walk down that road, he’s still the one running in this mind for what had happened before I had to put something I love down for him. HALA CC! Nqrecovering
09.04.2018, 2354hrs // aye baby, you know im so happy to see this photo when mama send it to me. Cn you imagine how proud i was when i opened it till i cry? For 2 years, we went under the hot Sun, sacrificing my school days just to take you down to register for your studies and now? Seeing you in ns finally settling down. Ya Allah, I cried for a moment wishing that I could be there to be with you throughout your ns journey. Even more when I showed this to Ibu Abah, they were so proud and happy of you! Hearing them say how much they miss you, I couldn’t hide myself from crying. Ya Allah, if only you know abt this. We’re definitely proud of you, my boo. May the two years fly fast and easy on you. Stay strong and keep pushing, I’ll be waiting for you to see you end this journey with better you. I miss you, botak☹️❤️ Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03
05.04.2018, 0312hrs // tears start to flow as I walk past the road where I had to make a promise to stop something I love doing to devote my whole time again for the one I love and to be with something more precious within the two at that point of time. I kept weeping knowing how hard it was for me. To devote my whole life to someone I love and precious, and to let go of something I love, I must be crazy but you know love is more precious. I remembered quite a number of things or shall I say most of my life, I had to devote it for the one I love. Not even an outing with whole bunch of mates or even my own bestfriend. It was hard but I felt like it was more precious. But then, you left me hanging and went on. I wonder if you feel the guilt bcs as far as I’m concerned, I’ve aways supported what you do and want and need; everything. Just the impact that I still am stuck with. What’s more painful to forget is loving someone whole heartedly but fate is no there for long just yet. Or maybe it’s a period for us to learn. I hate you for making me cry for missing you.
03.04.2018, 0053hrs // Here’s my other half that I can’t seem to stop going to another day without thinking of. 37th but it’s been 4 months plus since you left us. Cried every time I kept seeing you around me. Cried every time your face flashes or crossed my mind. Cried seeing those photos hanged in my room. Cried smelling your jacket every time I open the closet. I cried bcs I can’t hold back the feeling of missing you so much. I wish but I had to keep praying for the best. I crave your voice and those whatsapp audios I managed to retrieve was the only source. I crave your touch that I felt it in dreams until I could woke up in tears. I crave your smiles and laughters but the youtube videos was the only companion. I crave for your presence but all I do was to keep reminiscing and pray. Aye baby, I just want you to know that I miss you so much. Kiwi misses you too (but I miss you more). Happy Cranky 37th love😢☹️❤️ if only you’re around for me, I’ll treasure you more. I’ll appreciate you more, I’ll tell you just how much i love you everyday. But....... i miss you love HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03 JantungHatiHD HDKiwi
31.03.2018, 2340hrs // hi baby, please be well sayang. Just recover fast but of all be strong. That’s all I need from you. I can’t go a second without thinking how must I answer if anything happens to you. You may just be a bird but to us, you’re a gem that bonds many of us together and you’re the symbol of our great love. To lose you, I will never be able to digest it. My love, I may not know what you’re trying to say but we all can illustrate it from what you do; staring at your daddy’s pictures so much these days. You may just be missing him like how I do but Allah’s the best planner. May He one day bring dada back to see you at least. I’m sorry but mummy’s gotta keep pretending and still be that “coward” to not say my love and misses for dada right now. Get well soon baby, i love you☹️❤️ JantungHatiHD HDKiwi
27.03.2018, 0221hrs // Tipu la klau I ckp I tk sakit hati. Sakit hati gila ni smpi air mata jatuh😭💔 I guess it’s crazy wrong to keep pretending that I have a boyfriend when the truth is behind those pictures is my loyal “boyfriend” Ahmad Muhd while those whatsapp conversations are actually coming from our old conversations that we had that I just recapture. Now, I sendiri sakit hati tngk his latest snap? Just why do I have to feel this achy when I say I don’t miss you or I stopped remembering😭💔 this is like a real bullet shooting through man hais. I wish you know the truth Mohamad. For me to be chatting with another guy until today, it’s impossible to see besides my Ahmad Muhd. Shitty feeling. To be seeing you in my dreams for a week straight, wanting to call and text you to say i miss you but I’m not brave, to just keep watching our videos esp your birthday video. I miss you Mohamad, very much😪💔 sakit hati gila hahahais just why la why huhu cn you not make me cry☹️💔 I feel the need to bite your neck badly and then wrestle you until you lose and then tickle you hard until you cannot tahan. Kn sendiri sakit hati disah😭💔 just until when you gonna keep these words hidden in Eem, your diaries and to yourself Disah? (Side note: i only call my Mohamad laf or 🐯) HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Irinduyou_03
18.03.2018, 1735hrs // just when I open my acct, I saw this right at the top. It took me seconds to realise that I was staring at this with tears rolling down. It’s crazy how baba last night could even say something true from the heart. Yes, I do miss you. So much. Been nights since I kept seeing and hearing you. Been nights that I kept missing you a little too much. Just how I wish you know that I’ve been missing you so much. Just how I wish you know many things that I wish I could share with you. 😪❤️ HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Takrinduke Irinduyou_03
14.03.2018, 2243hrs // hi dada, nenek and atok say his name will stay as Mohamad Haildy Kiwi bcs he is like a human. Eating everything that we eat, drinking what we drink, act like we are. He is indeed one in a million. Many dote on him so much that they’ll always be asking abt him when they come over or wants to watch him through spy cam. He even has learn better tricks now. Dada, i hope you’re proud of him. One day, we all hope too that dada will come home. We miss you dada🙂❤️ JantungHatiHD HDbabies
04.03.2018, 0617hrs // dear daddy, baby just want you to know that he’s well taken care of like what was promised before. Baby has been doing great and been up with so many new things as he turns 8 months old. We are all doting on him especially mummy. He can never let a night off without snuggling under mummy before he really goes to bed. You know why? Bcs baby has been taught to smell the scent and be so pampered to sleep under the armpit by daddy. Baby is now even on a level that we all thinks many of the them are different; high tech! He has been so well everyday that he gets to have his own youtube-tv time especially before the night ends on an iPad! He even has a spy cam for us to watch him if we are all miles away outside of home. He’s indeed getting more clever that he even knows how to communicate with us when he knew the spy cam is turned on to check on him! But daddy, guess what’s for meal everyday? Baby doesn’t even look for his birdie food. All he knew was to fly to the cabinet where he always gets his food and look for his food but guess what? Baby’s fav food is McDonalds!!! Abah Ibu Adik-adik been having headache when he can finish off at least 15 sticks of fries till they say, “daddy dia kn suka makan McSpicy upsize add cheese, large ice tea. Mane tk anak dia ikut.” Even ibu abah remembers it amazingly. Of all, what saddens mummy most is when baby will fly and sit in front of the frames, and let out soft sad voice. It made me wonder why but when I look at it, he kept knocking on daddy’s face with mummy! “Burung pn ade perasaan rindu. Rindu dekat daddy dia la tu.” How can I not be so sad whenever he does that? We could even explain to him to the point that he leans against our body as if he was needing a hug upon it. Amazing birdie like a human. Dear daddy, one big thing birdie would want to reach to you if he can talk; baby misses you so much. Really much. We all sees that in him but may Allah grant our prayers one day, Insya’Allah Amin. Don’t you worry daddy, baby’s gonna be fine but still counting on you to come by to see him everyday if that wish could be granted Insya’Allah (Oh and baby’s growing bigger and taller in size too!!!) Baby loves you☹️ but importantly, baby misses you daddy❤️ Nqmhs03 Takrinduke HDbabies HDKiwi
3 March 2018, 0038hrs // Allah brought down challenges for us. He tested our love to the point that we barely could solve and took the easiest way out. We lost our love to cheating and lies. We had so much weaknesses and we could barely make it work out together towards the highest peak. We failed to keep our faiths strong and left it for the sake of easiest solution. We surrender and let things flow instead of fighting, sitting down to talk wasn’t even the thing that we did. Now when things are settling down but far at distance, it taught me so much. Your absence made me realise what I should have fought better for. Your absence taught me what I could have done better instead of finding the easiest way out from all these. Your absence made me realise how much I should have treasured you. Your absence taught me how love could be shaped well with real words and acts. It’s crazy how I can just cry so suddenly at many points just bcs I miss you so much. If only we had that chance to love each other again, I bet we can make things better and make our weaknesses our strengths, together. Happy Big 3 love😢💞 On this day, I pray that Allah will send my love and misses to you that you’ll pop up on my phone or even better in front of me. To pull you closer, hug you tightly, cry hard and tell you everything was all I wanted to do if you stand beneath my eyes at this moment. There’s so many things I wish I could tell you now but those words in diary will tell you many things one day if Allah doesn’t wills it while the time is still alive. Our photos, it meant so much to me at this point still. Even your whatsapp audio notes made me cry over the voice I crave, letters made me sat in huge misses and diary entries made me pray for the miracle. From far, I pray for the best of us and may Allah ease our journey and let us cross path again one day to love each other better. Sekali lagi mencintaimu, may it all be well. I love you, I miss you❤️ “sampai matiku mencintaimu” Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03
26.02.2018, 2239hrs // i miss those times where i could be sitting out there having so much fun and laughter or just sit around until 3-5am. I miss sitting under the moonlight infront of all the shining bright lights and just keeping those topics get going. It was all once alive until i met you where i later cut off those late night loiters. You taught me so much over time and today, i became a person who has better principles and character but for sure one thing; i miss you so much. Sadly, today I’m a person with weaker body that’s turning down every treatment I’m receiving. It all cannot work well and I can’t deny how devastating those news are for me to carry. Clutches are worn every now and then, and when infections make those dangerous cells active, i may just end up needing a wheelchair. Coincidence indeed; one month prior to your leave, you changed a lot and i got a bad news but kept it to myself and mum. Later when you took your leave, i too fell so ill until today. Being so ill wasn’t something i prayed for but i guess Allah made me go through this for a reason. If ever you come back one day Insya’Allah, I’ve no idea if you can keep positivity in yourself while being by my side. Disah, it’s coming to the 8th year and your Team are trying their best to find a cure since they’ve got you to be investigated on Lupus which none have found their cause and cure. Many die after 10-15 years of fighting but they’re not letting it happen to you. So hang in there while they find the best cure to this mysterious illness ok baby! It’s painful internally but we’ll pull through all together for them ok. Hey baby, I want you to know that your sweetest words made me alive too besides them. Something to replace your presence. I wish, i pray. If only one day you’ll come home and start being the old mohamad that will keep making me fight this pain off. I miss you, so much. Disah, fight ok? Fight this through bcs Allah has rewards for His fighters. Side note; how i wish i could see those long thick pretty hair on me. Seeing how Lupus has affected my hair growth saddens me now. It felt so bald now. I love you😔❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Takrinduke Irinduyou_03 RinduTakKesampaian ComehomeTimba
21.02.2018, 0358hrs // Masya’Allah, didn’t expect that this will come. I fear it but I’m hoping that it’s something good that’s coming ahead. Ya Allah. Tonight I woke up crying so badly with a heart that misses someone I’ve been craving for to see, to hug, to seek forgiveness from, to love sincerely, to pamper, to wrestle, to adore esp the face, to laugh with, everything. For 3 months now, I’ve never seen this happening to me before. Crying so badly over a person which the mouth speaks hate but the heart fills it with love and misses. Sebak hati ini bila merindui orang yang jauh di pandangan tapi dekat sangat di hati. I wonder how far can I lie to myself about not missing you so much. Never did I feel this way before but tonight, it got so bad after a dream and I had to cry so badly knowing what may be the hint to all these. Ya Allah, I hope it’s just good signs. Rindunya saya pada awak, Mohamad. Yesterday too, I proudly can say that the treatment went so well. It was definitely painful to the point that tears rolled down but I pulled through. Back to it, I just hope one day He will send you the message that I’ve been missing you and that you’ll find me. Fi Hifzillah😔😢❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Takrinduke ComehomeTimba
20.02.2018, 1250hrs // hi love, it’s such a relieve being able to see my little baby grow up. As days goes by, he gets more playful and pampered. If only his daddy is around, i bet he is proud of him too. Baby, i promise to love you with all my heart. You’ll forever be my number 3 “man” at heart ok. Baby, daddy is not around but i hope he is proud when he sees all my snaps on you. Sorry that i have to be in and out of hospital often now. So long as my Lupus are reactive, i will need to be to and fro, in and out. I hope you understand that. I love you both always☹️❤️ JantungHatiHD Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah
10.02.2018 // you don’t know how overjoyed i was when i saw this on my lockscreen. You don’t know how a notification from you could mean so much to me. Waiting for your call and text from you saying “i miss you” is nvr ending but I’m still waiting for one. I crave for your presence. You don’t know how bad the feeling of wanting to just hug you tightly if you stand in front of me one day. A good long hug and tears after it will mean so much, Mohamad. If only, if only😔 you know, at this tough period, i wish i could have told you how bad my body will be in the next few months and years, before that night. I regretted but ntg could be done. I don’t know how else i should comfort you, i don’t know how to tell you i miss you, i don’t know how to hate you. I’m just waiting for you to come home which I’m unsure when or will it happen. Abah Ibu, they’re too waiting for you to come home one day soon bcs they tend to question me a lot lately knowing how “strong” i was. I can see how much they misses you just with their words and acts without telling me. Those snaps, there lies reasons to it that you’ll need to hear out. Allahu, may He strengthen each of us in every way. I miss you, loving you from far😪❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Takrinduke Irinduyou_03 ComehomeTimba
10.02.2018 // just in a blink of an eye comes to the day that i will need to let you go a little. Serving the nation is nvr easy but i hope you’ll endure laf. Thank you laf, thank you for staying by me all the time esp when i was so badly ill in the middle of the night and you’re there to comfort me. Comforting me at your best like helmy does always, just like you promised me even when I didn’t say anything abt that. Thank you laf, thank you for giving me those positivity and strength like he did just bcs you wanted me to keep going and believe in that. Thank you laf, thank you for everything you did. I bet if he is still around, you won’t even need to comfort me at your best. Thank you for doing all these willingly and volunteering yourself to take the role of a permanent “boyfriend”. I can nvr ask for anything more from you, it’s just too much as of now. I bet if he knew those snaps are actually you, i bet he’ll be more mad at us but i hope one day you will tell him the truth for me if I can’t settle down in proper. Abang, i love you and as much as i love you, I’ll keep fighting too. Mak Abah and Jaapar fambam, thank you too for giving me positive vibes and endless supports. Mohamad, if you’re around still, i just love to share those great stories and saddening stories with you. But as of now, i hope you’re proud of me far away there about how great am i to fight this far even when many had collapsed on me. I now have long scars over my body and it’s saddening at times but it’s ok, there’s always better reasons behind all these. Mohamad, come home soon? I miss you😔🐯❤️
06.02.2018, 0439hrs // Masya’Allah, didn’t expect this to happen but it felt so real. Those hands held tightly to mine, those eyes let down the hardest tears, those lips utter the hardest sorry. Keep emphasising on how guilty and regretful you were, you prayed at that moment I’ll open my heart to let you have a chance to prove myself wrong. After saying what you wanted to, you suddenly hugged me tightly while emphasising on how important it is to take my medicines regularly bcs you wanted to watch me grow out of Lupus. All i remember was me crying so much from the moment i saw you to the moment you get so close to the moment you hugged me. And later i woke up, seeing myself full of tears. Ya Allah, i pray for the best between us if it’s a good or bad sign. If really he is coming home one day, I’ll be so happy bcs besides me waiting and praying, i know Ibu Abah did keep prayers for him every now and then. Their misses, i wish i could convey it to him but i let Allah do it bcs I’m just that Disah who’s not over coward. Mohamad, if only it do come true now, Masya’Allah. Fi Hifzillah, may Allah convey my misses and loves to you one day. Mohamad, saya rindu awak. Rindu sangat😔😢❤️ tp rindu saya hanya boleh disampaikan dlm doa. Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Takrinduke Irinduyou_03 ComehomeTimba
03.02.2018, 0053hrs // hi love, on this date monthly, i nvr forget to keep reminding myself how thankful am i to have someone like you in my life. Bitter sweet sour life together, if only things didn’t change in us, we’d be happily celebrating our 35th cranky months together. Fast isn’t it? But Allah has better plans for us and you took a different path than i do. As for myself, I’ve been trying so hard battling with life for the past 4 months without you quarter way through. Never did i tell myself how bad you are even up to today bcs you’ve taught me so much; painful challenges and happy moments. Thankful that Allah lend me you to rely on for the past months. If Allah give me another chance to love you again, I would and wouldn’t do it. I would do it again bcs i would want to love you better and give our shortcomings another chance to fit perfectly together. I wouldn’t want to do it again bcs i fear of losing you. On this date, i admit, i have been loving you from far still. Not being acknowledged but i hope one day Allah will send my love and misses to you. I’m sorry but I’ve lied enough to myself and others that I’ve been “hating” you so much when the fact is i can never hate you even up to today. I tried but i failed. I avoided all of our likes and your favs but i ended up doing it unknowingly. You know, if there’s one thing that i can do to you now, i will run to you and hug you tightly. Just tightly and it will tell you so much. Mohamad, one month prior to your leave, i regretted not telling you the truth and now, i cry blaming myself for always leaving these huge things left unsaid. Unknowingly too, on the night you left, i fell so ill too and ended up in the hospital days after that. Doctors confirmed that my Lupus has become very aggressive and today, Disah that used to be so strong back then became so weak that she’d give up all the time when things ain’t going right. It’s difficult to describe but if you see it, i bet you’ll be upset too. Ibu Abah and sisters, they all have seen how drastic my change was in strength. Lucky enough, i managed to trace back the old conversation and your words never fail to get me crying though I’ve lost you. Mohamad, if only you kept Eem alive to know on my updates. 4 months and a lot had happened. It was my left kidney first, then goes to my brain, then to my heart and lungs, and then to my liver and now on my haemoglobin (red blood cells). It’s definitely heart breaking but I’ve no other ways to save it all now bcs i was too late for treatment and at this level of so much allergies, they can’t find something suitable. In and out for the past 4 months, it was horrible to the point that i wish arwah mama and arwah atuk are here to comfort me. Allahu, first one two months I didn’t got so affected by your absence but until that one point ibu abah start to ask me this heart to heart question “gerl, rindu helmy? Jngn tipu diri, smpi bila nk tipu diri?” I wish i could answer them honestly but it’s kept in myself. I knew many knew the answer to that question but let the silence talk about it one day. Mohamad, as days goes by, my body is getting weaker and more ill. Not brave enough, i kept the crave of wanting to call and text you. Those voice messages became my medicine to my misses towards you. Mohamad, i crave your voice, your touch, your tears, your smiles, you hug, just everything of you. Awak, jikalau saya diberi kesempatan untuk sayang awak buat kali terakhir sebelum saya rehat, saya ingin disayang seikhlas dan sejujurnya sekali lagi. Mencintaimu sekali lagi, that book will one day disclose everything for all. I miss you, very much. Fi Hifzillah😔❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Takrinduke
22.01.2018, 0748hrs // awak, i can never tell truths when it comes to missing your presence for the past 3 months, these days. Not only your presence but your touch, smile, anger, laughter, cranky, EVERYTHING. Yeap, just the word to summarise what I’ve been missing. Again, for the 8th time straight, I came across you with the missed smiles and hardest tears in my dreams. The way you’re so close to me, making me feel loved again. Masya’Allah, I just can’t deny how bad was the tears when I woke up after those nights until today. Awak, so far at distance but always near to this heart. I may still be mad and hurt over what you’ve done 3 months back but I can’t deny that each time I try to say ‘I hate you’ or ‘I don’t miss you’, that’s where all those words became something opposite in the heart and grew bigger instead. Saya rindu awak tp Allah sayang kita sbb tu dia uji kita. Of all, I can’t deny too how I just kept waiting and checking out my snaps just to see if you’ve been checking on me. And when the last one you said you’re leaving for a week, that got me down bcs I won’t be able to know if you’re gonna be fine by checking on me. There’s so much things I wish and want to share with you at this point but you’re not around for those news. Of all the news, I wish I could share with you this; I successfully went through 3 surgeries with little complications and I pulled through but the aftermath of it, I’m still trying hard! I bet you’re so proud of me if you were there with Ibu Abah during my surgery wait. I could imagine how those smile with hardest tears will be on you. Ya Allah, rindunya saya pada awak Mohamad. Fi Hifzillah😔❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03
16.01.2018, 0758hrs // prepared for the biopsy one night early. Here goes to the unbearable pain after they jab the anaesthetic. It hurts after the release but i know i gotta hang in here. Allahu, may all these be helping me to survive a little longer. Amin. Missing home, missing my sons, missing “my man”. SLEpatient Nqrecovering
10.01.2017 // i fell apart again. This time, it was way worse that i could ever think it will be. High fever, severe ulcers, severe rashes, vomiting, liver killer spreading to the whole tummy. Masya’Allah, it is indeed heavy as days goes by. And yesterday, how i wish i could share with you a heartbreaking news abt school. But yknow what? I hope I’ll be able to finish on time even if I can’t take the cert on my own, at least i know I’ve given ibu abah the best present in the world; diploma cert. at this current point too, the doctors are worried I’m gonna fall apart more but I’m still praying for the best bcs positivity. But what’s more worse when yesterday ibu abah talked abt you out of nowhere. They probably been missing your presence and so do i but i lied abt it bcs i have to. No one should know except Eem😞 idk just until when should i be keeping these feelings underneath words and doa. Aside from that, im just hoping to get home soon now. Jynsdsqsrs Irinduyou_03 Nqrecovering SLEpatient
12.01.2017, 2127hrs // i wish you knew i was directing this to you. Just praying for the best for everything. Still trying to heal myself and trying to move forward with the memories along. Now, it’s just abt getting up from this battle stronger than ever bcs it’s still nt too late to get up despite the failures in the body. Slowly but surely🙂 hey awak, saya rindu awak. Entah mcm rindu bagai gitu tp rindu tu saya dpt simpan dalam doa sahaja walaupun teringin sngt nk touch muka awak while staring at you and just hold you closely to me. May things goes well for you, “my” tiger🙂❤️ Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah ThisOneCannotHilang Nqmhs03
10.01.2018, 0030hrs // for the pains that worsened but I’m still holding it back. The fever that’s building up slowly again, the ulcers that spreads, the stomach that hurts, the heart that pumps slower. At this point, I’ve no idea why I’m still keeping quiet and just making myself wait another 9 hours before I get to hospital for my full day allergy admission instead, which then I will head down to Emergency back. My body couldn’t take the pains further but when I rethink, I guess I should let ibu go to work first in the morning before coming home for me. Even more, right now ibu abah just got to rest like finally after Yaya’s discharge two nights back. Needing to hold back my pains and tears, I’ve no idea how strong I can really be for the next few hours. Baby K on the other hand is being so clingy but I gotta place him in his small bed because Baby L is sleeping in his cage. Only Allah knows the pains and I guess if the Doctors make me rate the pain now, I’d rate 10/10. Just too painful that I couldn’t stop crying silently. Disah, it’s hard but keep going. Many are trying to get through you for the past weeks to know your updates but why did you keep it all silent again after that day? Not even one that you bother replying or update, all they needed was to get through ibu instead. Love, it’s not easy at this stage because those are falling apart but please get yourself together to fight through. Remember those who have been with you since day one and still praying that all goes smoothly for you. Don’t give up just yet sayang. More and more are falling apart but do know that your strength are being tested for each time you think you should just give up. Disah, you’re a fighter so please fight through❤️ just a little more! SLEpatient Nqrecovering
07.01.2017, 1423hrs // the face that I’m never bored over. The face that gave me so much laughter each time he puts on his silly, cranky, hungry or sad face. The face that made me so mad each time he grumbles but just don’t bother to tell me what have gone wrong. Of all, the face that can never be forgotten up to today. The love that never dies, the misses that got bigger. Ya Allah, rindunya saya pada awak. Walaupun jauh, awak selalu ada dalam doa saya. Berharap Dia akan sampaikan rindu saya pada awak. Sekian lama awak tinggalkan saya. Mohamad, as days goes by lately, I began to understand the real meaning of separation. I came to understand why is it so hard for me to forget you when I remembered my promises towards you. Mohamad, the day that you left me, I wasn’t sure why didn’t I fought and uphold our love. It didn’t even come across my mind to tell you the truth about my worsening Lupus though that night I was down with high fever already. I totally have no idea why but now, if you ask me what I could have done that night, I would have uphold and protected our love, not letting you go easily. It’s been 3 months now and I still feel the pain you left me. 2 months it didn’t even came crossing my mind to dwell on that matter but after realising I was putting hard on my heart, I started to realise that I miss you. Probably now you’re so much happier with my replacement that could live longer and take good care of you so much more. Looking at your snaps that you’re doing all those things without me reminds me of how much you made me sacrifice all those for the love. Maybe you didn’t even remember me anymore nor misses me. But I can’t judge all these bcs I can’t even read your mind and heart but if you’re here in front of me, I’ll touch your heart and look straight into your eyes to see it all. Mohamad, I know you’re not using Eem anymore but I hope one day when you reopen it again, you’ll know that I’ve never forget you nor forget to miss you or love you. I miss adoring you, I miss tickling you, I miss picking up fights with you, I miss you Mohamad. Ya Allah, sampaikanlah rindu saya pada awak. Jikalau Allah berikan kesempatan untuk saya hidup lebih lama dan peluang kedua untuk dapatkan cinta saya semula, Insya’Allah saya akan jadi yang terbaik untuk awak. Tapi hanya disimpan dalam doa sahaja buat sekarang, what else if I wish I could get through Mama now but I can’t do it. “Nanti kalau kita kahwin, I doa kita boleh namakan UA and DA.” Fi Hifzillah😔❤️ ComehomeTimba ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
02.01.2017 // 3 months now that I’m in a world that is all about battles and fights. I needed to keep myself so strong but on this day, when the wrong team came to support my main team and Prof, that was when I knew life will be at risks and indeed it was. They said my counts are back but my organ counts are abnormal. So how could that be and they could also watch me cry over pains every second. Prof and main team was away and the back up team could only watch me cry in pain every second. I protected my rights but I end up making the hardest decision to go home even in huge pain and unwell state. To the point that I even told Ibu to tell others that I’m well that I headed home. Just what was I thinking? Everyone who was hoping that I’ll get back on my both feet, I disappoint them. I gave up almost all my strength just bcs I couldn’t stand the pains anymore. Endless 8 years of fights. Disah, please fight a little more and prove those Doctors that there’s still chance to live normally. Get up Disah😢 if Arwah Mama and Arwah Atuk knows this, I bet they’ll be upset. Keep fighting Disah😔❤️ SLEpatient Nqrecovering
03.01.2018, 0110hrs // i still remember the first time i saw you that i named you ‘toyol’ bcs you’re small and cute. I remember the time when i kept eyeing on you all the time and just hope that someday i could be doing the same area with you. But who knew we both will ended up being the closest too, and coincidentally doing all positions together too? Who knew too that we both would fell in love with each other over a small thing? It felt like it was too fast but sometimes, things goes unexpectedly for a reason. Memorable 2 months of close friendship, 33 months of beautiful love. Every inch of sacrifice for you but everything has to end in a bad way. Didn’t expect it but i smiled walking through the pains though it was hard on me at first. Now, for every guy that came trying to be that man, i rejected them bcs i fear falling in love. Even more when i still am not over you fully, it’s probably unfair for the next one. My man that i vowed to be with all my life and to love sincerely, to grow old together with our kids, is now happy with a new one. Maybe way better than i am, who can give more than i could. It’s ok, probably after what had happened, i promised to not fall in love again while i get over my battles first. My hardest battles that ain’t over yet. Liver failed, left kidney heart and lungs are halfway through, leaving only one kidney to survive on for the entire body to work at least 50% of it. Masya’Allah, indeed my battle is so big that i cried thanking him for choosing me. Yeap, i said i hated you ever since you left me just like that but deep down inside? Those hates made the love and misses towards you became stronger that i just have to keep denying it to not let me fall back. Yeap, there’s twice or thrice that i broke down crying reminiscing everything but what could i do besides praying for the best for you. Only Allah knows my words that i poured to Him but if one day you feel that you still can’t forget me, find me wherever i may be if I’m still alive bcs I’ll tell you reasons to it. If you don’t, I’m still gonna pray for the best of you. Happy Cranky 34 love😔❤️ but HD’s love story has to replace with Haildy Kiwi story bcs I don’t want to end up crying reminiscing abt the bitter sweet moments with you. I miss you Mohamad. I miss you that you even came crossing in my dreams quite a few times these days but hanya tinggal kenangan. Fi Hifzillah❤️ HelmyxDisah JantungHatiHD Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
01.01.2018, 0354hrs // here’s my highlight of 2017 but sadly, what became my highlight of 2017 some became an end for 2018. I started 2017 in a bad shape where i had to feel a loss of one love from the guy that i vowed to be with all my life through bitter sweet, and i started it with mild stroke. It went on for weeks before full recovery from both but you returned and i thought this time would be for real. Unknowingly, you repeated the same mistake again exactly during the same period. In between, I can’t deny how life is great with bitter sweet moments that I’d still treasure be it for memory sake or lesson sake. This year, i again start it in the same way but for you to return, i don’t think so bcs you’ve probably found someone better than me who probably am perfect than me. Me? Who’d stay with me even with small mistakes, lies, and worse still when I’m getting more ill? It saddens me so freaking much until today that i kept asking am i not good enough for you even when i did everything just for you. It hurts but i gotta close my eyes from you. It’s not easy yet and now i rather put it aside to think of my battle more than it first. Yes, if you ask me i will answer right into you that i really miss you and that i just want to listen to that voice i used to hear everyday, hug that body that will tightly return the hug, and that lips that would touch my forehead all the time. Besides all those, 2017 was definitely a tough year when they finally diagnosed me with SLE or Lupus after 7 years of battle. Unexpectedly, it spread just in a blink of an eye. Too fast that The doctors and i are now at the point of asking whether I’ll make it through or not and when’s the next spread. I cried every night but i know it’s gonna be awhile bcs Allah just wants me to get up stronger. 2017... I’ve lost someone i used to call my man but what’s bigger than that is knowing that I’m losing my left kidney, lungs and heart functions while my liver is already lost. 2017 is definitely not easy on me but i hope this will be a good takeaway. 2018, i hope this body fights through for a little more, that’s all that i wanted. i love you all😔❤️ JantungHatiHD HDbabies Nqmhs03 Jynsdsqsrs SLEpatient Nqrecovering