01.05.2017 // and to the love of my life, you've always supported my decisions, plans and wishes like i do too most of the time (unless unreasonable). Lately, when you fell too sick with mr fever that nvr fails to keep you accompanied, i cried in sadness, hoping that you'll always be given the healthy life. It definitely did hurts the eye seeing you with ice pack always and needing me to massage you often. Bae, if sickness could be exchanged, i would, i would take your sickness away and let you work (aha probably make you nurse me too once in awhile😛). You know when you fell so sick often lately, it really taught me well abt sleep sacrifice and energy worn out sacrifice. Actually, more than just those two. Bae, today too, im still proud at how you would love to spend so much time here bcs you'll always be on FIFA 24/7 at home, but again, one day, i would love to spend the same amount of time with your family too. Well, i do know we'll end up playing fifa and watching movies both of us only but again, you know things can change if we put the effort to make something new out of it. Well, probably, that's just my wish that i have to wait until you're ok with it. Yet again, every weekend and most off days with you and family has always been a great one especially when we don't mind sitting at home for the past two days (ahaha that isn't the real HelmyxDisah ok). Mohamad syg, i really hope we'll be able to find the best medicine to stop your regular fever and runny nose lately. I just want you to be well and not always having the need to feed you medicines most of the time. Syg, stay strong for all the heat that affects your whole body, aching badly making you just wanna stay in bed. Im gonna nurse you no matter how bad my eyebags can be, no matter how tired i am, no matter how high of insufficient sleep, no matter how energy worn out i can be, no matter how busy i can be with my school assignments okkk. I love you unconditionally, always do😛💏❤👫 ThisOneCannotHilang Mrmscranky Nqmhs03
03.11.2017 // 32 cranky months and counting. Mohamad, i'll always love you❤ pls know that i'll fight every inch for you. Sacrificing all my life for you is something i will always do for you. Know that no matter how bad or how great things will be, i will be with you sayang. But love, my days to the minor but risky op is coming nearer, i pray that you'll be here to support me day and night. If anything happens, mama has the novel to all words. Fatty, i'll nvr give up from loving you😙💓 of all, do know that i miss my clingy pampered silly joker mohamad😔❤ all of me loves all of you, happy cranky 32 future imam😘❤ Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Mrmscranky ThisOneCannotHilang
03.10.2017 // to my mohamad, for everything i did, i've always include you. Nvr fail to ensure that you'll always be part of something in my life and familg's life. These days, seeing you stay up for me even checking on me in the mids if the night is something i cnt deny that i have to get out as soon. Seeing ibu also makes me just want to get up and go back, and yes i did it. Mohamad, my love for you will always be with you. Pampering you day and night esp with my love is nvr gonna be enough. Bae, no words to say but i'll always love you even if you're the most painful in the ass. Here's to many more years and whole life with you. And yes, through good and bad i will take you as my life partner in the near future bcs to have someone else is impossible. For you thats so precious to me, i wouldnt want to lose you in any way. I may seem to nt be the best one but i will definitely try to be one over and over again. HAPPY CRANKY 31 BABY😙👫💓 i love you❤ ThisOneCannotHilang Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah
27.10.2017, 6.15pm // the pain is real. The pain of missing you, is real. Each day, only for minutes that i manage to really have a good conversation with you. Other than that, just patience that grew inside of me, waiting patiently for you to fix back your time for me again. Missing you is bad each day but all i could afford to do is pray that my patience will have good outcome from you soon. Mohamad, i cant deny how bad i cn be missing you. Its been days that i just want to snuggle in bed and under your arms for the longest time i can. This is just too challenging for me. The misses i have for you, i wish you feel it all. The need to just text you that "I MISS YOU REAL BADLY, MY MAN" is so bad but if i do, i wonder if you will just call me and say the same thing. yknow at this timing, i wish you're here to nurse me instead like you always do. Love, come home soon ok! I love you, always and forever will😩❤ (i miss you, badly boohuhu) (im hungry and i thought i could go out for dinner with you after work but idk, high chance hungry again. 4 straights days that i'm only eating bread for the whole day survival during lunch. syukur Alhamdulillah but, i want nasi goreng seafood with teh o ice limah hais) Realisesoonwillyou Irinduyou_03 ThisOneCannotHilang Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah
27.10.2017, 10.53pm // high fever but keeping it all to self just bcs i need to work and get those money to save up for Mohamad's repayment, bike and his bird. Besides that, for the full cash house payment. Masya'Allah, sesungguhnya i cannot make it through anymore but i have to😣 fever... Rindu... Very very hungry... Tired... Everything is so messed up but Insya'Allah i cn. If only i could get my nasi goreng seafood pattaya now with teh o ice limau at least. Its more than enough to let me survive another 4 days without of rice again, i guess. At this point, just how i wish my Mohamad will call. Voice or video, it doesnt matter. Just at least hearing his voice could make it better, like he always do before. Ya Allah, sesungguhnya i just need to cry over the tired sick rindu hungry body. Just how hard my days can be these days😩 saya rindu awak, mohamad❤ Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou SLEpatient YouAreNotAlone Nqrecovering Mrmscranky HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03
01.04.2017 // you know what's the most shitty thing right now? When he goes too cranky and something tripped kind of thing in him, but i have no idea what is the real problem. I mean like really, if im up to that way, he will definitely go more sot than i do (that's how he is😌) but when he do, i cn nvr mess until i go beyond he does. Idk babe, right now at the moment, its really just Puku that's able to stay with me through the rough and good times. It hurts knowing that im really all up with Puku (lucky enough that i got Puku for two nights now) or... Prolly bae is out of control bcs he wasnt able to sleep without Puku for two nights now? Hahah i mean really, i think i have to give bae my new pillow soon instead😐 or prolly cuddle in bed je la everyday haha🙊 hais, just how much i've missed my fatso after like 36hrs of no real communication, and we're just too busy with work. I miss you bonch😒😔❤ ThisOneCannotHilang Mrmscranky Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
26.02.2018, 2239hrs // i miss those times where i could be sitting out there having so much fun and laughter or just sit around until 3-5am. I miss sitting under the moonlight infront of all the shining bright lights and just keeping those topics get going. It was all once alive until i met you where i later cut off those late night loiters. You taught me so much over time and today, i became a person who has better principles and character but for sure one thing; i miss you so much. Sadly, today I’m a person with weaker body that’s turning down every treatment I’m receiving. It all cannot work well and I can’t deny how devastating those news are for me to carry. Clutches are worn every now and then, and when infections make those dangerous cells active, i may just end up needing a wheelchair. Coincidence indeed; one month prior to your leave, you changed a lot and i got a bad news but kept it to myself and mum. Later when you took your leave, i too fell so ill until today. Being so ill wasn’t something i prayed for but i guess Allah made me go through this for a reason. If ever you come back one day Insya’Allah, I’ve no idea if you can keep positivity in yourself while being by my side. Disah, it’s coming to the 8th year and your Team are trying their best to find a cure since they’ve got you to be investigated on Lupus which none have found their cause and cure. Many die after 10-15 years of fighting but they’re not letting it happen to you. So hang in there while they find the best cure to this mysterious illness ok baby! It’s painful internally but we’ll pull through all together for them ok. Hey baby, I want you to know that your sweetest words made me alive too besides them. Something to replace your presence. I wish, i pray. If only one day you’ll come home and start being the old mohamad that will keep making me fight this pain off. I miss you, so much. Disah, fight ok? Fight this through bcs Allah has rewards for His fighters. Side note; how i wish i could see those long thick pretty hair on me. Seeing how Lupus has affected my hair growth saddens me now. It felt so bald now. I love you😔❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Takrinduke Irinduyou_03 RinduTakKesampaian ComehomeTimba
28.08.2017 // but at the same time, i want you to be the captain to my heart🙊💓 Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah ThisOneCannotHilang
20.10.2017 // in love with my man over and over again despite you being the pain in my ass💆😛❤❤❤ Jynsdsqsrs Nqmhs03 Mrmscranky ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03
27.04.2017 // you dont know how happy was i in the mids of 6P when you video call me booo, heh. prolly the worse of all, nvr did we go countries apart. even when i wanted to go japan or batam,it will nvr be a successful plan bcs somebody wouldnt want to be totally far apart especially countries apart. he was left once for a week before his birthday. oh, that really made him vowed that it was my first and last for me to travel without him zzz, i remember! but yeah, we're really countries apart now😕 sodeh man though it's only for one night, but the feeling of nvr been separated countries away is aiya after like a year plus? I swear last night when you're ard i really wish to cuddle in bed with you but mmm, tngk muka pn jadi la. Counting down hours for your arrival back home, it's definitely two days only but the time move so slow that i think i can feel like it's days trip. Nk mkn pn jadi mkn prata je mcm mane? Ape tidak, baru baik demam da pergi pancing. Siape tk sayang mohamad yg satu ni😫 but i hope you're doing great there and having funnn!!! Hehe finally a mini break for yourself after working back to back lately. damn rindu you (though its only like a 2d1n trip yknow heh) but entah org tu rindu also or nt😐 yet still, really hoping you gonna come home with a good hug for me and share with me all the fun you had and will be having tmr!!! Take care my man and i'll fetch you for dinner as soon as im done with school hokay😏 i love you🙈😙❤ ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 Takrinduke
19.08.2017 // just whats wrong with you all of sudden? Hating the way i gt close to you. You not even pampering me here and there often. You getting mad at all the things i did. It all left with me with huge frust and tears i swear. Lying to you cn nvr be done but i tried. I tried covering up for all the tears i wept just now. I covered up the moment when i almost wsnted to walk out. I covered up the momsnt when i almost wanted to hit the walls with a bang. It hurts and i know you were trying to console but you dont seem to be trying. It saddens me just how much i've missed you but i could do ntg now bcs you're nt gonna pamper me just yet again. The need to cry so much, hais. if only you open this up, knowing that i miss you so much😔❤ ThisOneCannotHilang Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Mrmscranky MHSbirthday
20.10.2017 // i miss my man, i miss going on random meals with you. I miss having to be fetch by you all the time even when i say i could travel myself. I miss my man who just couldnt stop calling me to fetch me for random meals after my school or work. I miss my man, i really do❤ ThisOneCannotHilang Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 Jynsdsqsrs
06.02.2018, 0439hrs // Masya’Allah, didn’t expect this to happen but it felt so real. Those hands held tightly to mine, those eyes let down the hardest tears, those lips utter the hardest sorry. Keep emphasising on how guilty and regretful you were, you prayed at that moment I’ll open my heart to let you have a chance to prove myself wrong. After saying what you wanted to, you suddenly hugged me tightly while emphasising on how important it is to take my medicines regularly bcs you wanted to watch me grow out of Lupus. All i remember was me crying so much from the moment i saw you to the moment you get so close to the moment you hugged me. And later i woke up, seeing myself full of tears. Ya Allah, i pray for the best between us if it’s a good or bad sign. If really he is coming home one day, I’ll be so happy bcs besides me waiting and praying, i know Ibu Abah did keep prayers for him every now and then. Their misses, i wish i could convey it to him but i let Allah do it bcs I’m just that Disah who’s not over coward. Mohamad, if only it do come true now, Masya’Allah. Fi Hifzillah, may Allah convey my misses and loves to you one day. Mohamad, saya rindu awak. Rindu sangat😔😢❤️ tp rindu saya hanya boleh disampaikan dlm doa. Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Takrinduke Irinduyou_03 ComehomeTimba
24.10.2017 // "nasib sayang klau tk da melayang" but neh, thats not me. A little too much sacrifice as always for my man who's sickly craving for his fav food. yknow, travel a little bit for this bcs you've been wanting to have it since last week while i wait patiently to gt home to eat later tonight. I hope you still see how much i'll put in my love and sacrifices for you despite my limited energy after the bad scanning end results. Nk marah pn tk tau mcm mane nk marah dkt awak. How? Asl nk marah, ade je tukar topic sendiri💆🏼 nasib la awak, sayang mendalam ni. Klau tkde mcspicy tadi tk tau nk ckp ape walaupn dlm wallet ade cukup cukup. I love you, always and will, my man❤️ Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Mrmscranky
20.02.2018, 1250hrs // hi love, it’s such a relieve being able to see my little baby grow up. As days goes by, he gets more playful and pampered. If only his daddy is around, i bet he is proud of him too. Baby, i promise to love you with all my heart. You’ll forever be my number 3 “man” at heart ok. Baby, daddy is not around but i hope he is proud when he sees all my snaps on you. Sorry that i have to be in and out of hospital often now. So long as my Lupus are reactive, i will need to be to and fro, in and out. I hope you understand that. I love you both always☹️❤️ JantungHatiHD Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah
15.07.2017 // just look at how handsome you are in here😍😍😍 i died looking at it over and over again huhu. But yeah, here comes the totally advance birthday gift for you. Not 1 pair but 2 pairs. I know we could have gone for your first choice but if so, i wouldnt be able to gt your conure over $300. Bae, spending hundreds over dollars annually just for your birthday to make your happy kills me but i do know, at the end of the day, you're worth fighting for, pampering for, to love for and everything. Now, it's just working extra hard to gain back some income and i hope you understand why i do all these. Bae, gila klau i ckp tk sayang you. Loving you was is never easy for the past 28 months but here I am, still loving you at my very best for the worth you are to me in life. Untung la birthday slalu dpt hadiah mahal😛 bae, to hear from you a single i love you is always hard even more when its infront of my eyes but just know, i'll always love you even if storm hits me hard in life one day for the illness thats hard to get rid of. Syg, i would love to just snuggle in bed with you for real, like the whole entire day bcs its rather been tiring these days, comforting you, ensuring your fever doesnt gets bad and all. I love you,always😚❤❤❤ ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 Untungla MHSbirthday
22.10.2017 // keep typing his phone number disah, keep checking on his whatsapp online for him to whatsapp you, keep checking your call if you did not put it on silence and wifi is on for him to video or voice call, keep looking outside the door to see if he appears, keep checking the your room window to see if he passes by, keep checking ok disah... It will just not happen, disah. Keep your misses to yourself. "fi hifzillah" i miss MY Mohamad, i do, so much😢❤ "awak kat mana?" HelmyxDisah Realisesoonwillyou Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03 ThisOneCannotHilang Mrmscranky
3 March 2018, 0038hrs // Allah brought down challenges for us. He tested our love to the point that we barely could solve and took the easiest way out. We lost our love to cheating and lies. We had so much weaknesses and we could barely make it work out together towards the highest peak. We failed to keep our faiths strong and left it for the sake of easiest solution. We surrender and let things flow instead of fighting, sitting down to talk wasn’t even the thing that we did. Now when things are settling down but far at distance, it taught me so much. Your absence made me realise what I should have fought better for. Your absence taught me what I could have done better instead of finding the easiest way out from all these. Your absence made me realise how much I should have treasured you. Your absence taught me how love could be shaped well with real words and acts. It’s crazy how I can just cry so suddenly at many points just bcs I miss you so much. If only we had that chance to love each other again, I bet we can make things better and make our weaknesses our strengths, together. Happy Big 3 love😢💞 On this day, I pray that Allah will send my love and misses to you that you’ll pop up on my phone or even better in front of me. To pull you closer, hug you tightly, cry hard and tell you everything was all I wanted to do if you stand beneath my eyes at this moment. There’s so many things I wish I could tell you now but those words in diary will tell you many things one day if Allah doesn’t wills it while the time is still alive. Our photos, it meant so much to me at this point still. Even your whatsapp audio notes made me cry over the voice I crave, letters made me sat in huge misses and diary entries made me pray for the miracle. From far, I pray for the best of us and may Allah ease our journey and let us cross path again one day to love each other better. Sekali lagi mencintaimu, may it all be well. I love you, I miss you❤️ “sampai matiku mencintaimu” Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03
26.10.2017 // and in the mids of an early morning, i stopped and cried to myself knowing that I'm actually missing my man so much these days. I wonder if you realise how bad things are between us these days bcs you're so far apart. The fact that I just want and need MY Mohamad, it's just the saddest thing to feel during the days. I wonder if you do miss being so clingy and pampered, going for late night supper, wrestle and tease each other so badly until one surrenders or spend a little time with me after a tiring night while i rub your endless back pains or scratch your head. I wonder if you know just how much I would want to hug you tightly and just be in your arms. The fact that these nights I sat behind you, I wish you felt this heart wanting to say that I miss you. I hardly say this but when i do, i mean what i say; I miss you badly, I just need and want you to be back. I just miss you😔 if i have it, you know what i want to do? I just want to run to you everyday, come home to you and just snuggle under your armpit and arms. I just cnt deny just how much i miss you, MY man😔😭❤ Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah ThisOneCannotHilang Realisesoonwillyou Irinduyou_03
03.01.2018, 0110hrs // i still remember the first time i saw you that i named you ‘toyol’ bcs you’re small and cute. I remember the time when i kept eyeing on you all the time and just hope that someday i could be doing the same area with you. But who knew we both will ended up being the closest too, and coincidentally doing all positions together too? Who knew too that we both would fell in love with each other over a small thing? It felt like it was too fast but sometimes, things goes unexpectedly for a reason. Memorable 2 months of close friendship, 33 months of beautiful love. Every inch of sacrifice for you but everything has to end in a bad way. Didn’t expect it but i smiled walking through the pains though it was hard on me at first. Now, for every guy that came trying to be that man, i rejected them bcs i fear falling in love. Even more when i still am not over you fully, it’s probably unfair for the next one. My man that i vowed to be with all my life and to love sincerely, to grow old together with our kids, is now happy with a new one. Maybe way better than i am, who can give more than i could. It’s ok, probably after what had happened, i promised to not fall in love again while i get over my battles first. My hardest battles that ain’t over yet. Liver failed, left kidney heart and lungs are halfway through, leaving only one kidney to survive on for the entire body to work at least 50% of it. Masya’Allah, indeed my battle is so big that i cried thanking him for choosing me. Yeap, i said i hated you ever since you left me just like that but deep down inside? Those hates made the love and misses towards you became stronger that i just have to keep denying it to not let me fall back. Yeap, there’s twice or thrice that i broke down crying reminiscing everything but what could i do besides praying for the best for you. Only Allah knows my words that i poured to Him but if one day you feel that you still can’t forget me, find me wherever i may be if I’m still alive bcs I’ll tell you reasons to it. If you don’t, I’m still gonna pray for the best of you. Happy Cranky 34 love😔❤️ but HD’s love story has to replace with Haildy Kiwi story bcs I don’t want to end up crying reminiscing abt the bitter sweet moments with you. I miss you Mohamad. I miss you that you even came crossing in my dreams quite a few times these days but hanya tinggal kenangan. Fi Hifzillah❤️ HelmyxDisah JantungHatiHD Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
09.12.2017, 1702hrs //from bus rides to scooter to sonic 125 to r15. Too many events and we went through so much esp with r15. I cnt deny how much we grew for the past 2yrs plus and when you decide to put everything to a stop and make all like it's my fault, i kept myself in silence so much. My dear only one, I've nvr thought you'd be this way but i pray for the best that will return in everything. I miss you, and all i could do was to watch us. Your touch, your kiss, it gave me nightmares most of the nights. Your absence made me cry so much that i barely cn understand the reason why the more i hate you, the more i tend to miss you. Yoyol, yang terindah and there's just no one that could be the same as you. The hardest one to catch and when i couldn't keep properly, not even a tear could keep things right again. I miss you. It's been almost two months now but I've yet to get over many things bcs there's so much. Your masam wangi smell, sometimes it cn just trigger my sense that i could cry to myself like you're so near but you aren't. Sometimes i just wish i could turn back time and make things right. The shitty thing abt "bila da tkde baru nk menyesal" Hate that i miss you😪💔 Nqmhs03 Irinduyou_03 ComehomeTimba
26.06.2017 // now you tell me how cn i nt love you for all the ugly pictures we nvr fail to have? But most of all, how cn i not fall in love with you endlessly? Selamat Hari Raya to you syg, forgive me for all my mistakes from the beginning i met you up to now. Halalkn mkn minum i okieee! Kosong kosong but after syawal i do again hahah jk i love you😙❤ HelmyxDisah Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 JynsdsqsrsBeraya Nqrecovering
21.02.2018, 0358hrs // Masya’Allah, didn’t expect that this will come. I fear it but I’m hoping that it’s something good that’s coming ahead. Ya Allah. Tonight I woke up crying so badly with a heart that misses someone I’ve been craving for to see, to hug, to seek forgiveness from, to love sincerely, to pamper, to wrestle, to adore esp the face, to laugh with, everything. For 3 months now, I’ve never seen this happening to me before. Crying so badly over a person which the mouth speaks hate but the heart fills it with love and misses. Sebak hati ini bila merindui orang yang jauh di pandangan tapi dekat sangat di hati. I wonder how far can I lie to myself about not missing you so much. Never did I feel this way before but tonight, it got so bad after a dream and I had to cry so badly knowing what may be the hint to all these. Ya Allah, I hope it’s just good signs. Rindunya saya pada awak, Mohamad. Yesterday too, I proudly can say that the treatment went so well. It was definitely painful to the point that tears rolled down but I pulled through. Back to it, I just hope one day He will send you the message that I’ve been missing you and that you’ll find me. Fi Hifzillah😔😢❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Takrinduke ComehomeTimba
05.11.2017 // thank you for giving me the countless chances. My mistakes was huge that i barely see your mistakes towards me. You thought me a whole lot of things, from start until today. Pampering you day and night, giving you everything i have, my soul that you took away that i have ntg more precious now, everything. You've been the best until today, and I can't deny how thankful am I for Allah that lend me you to love whole heartedly. Maybe this is it, even when Allah showed me the clues to everything in different ways lately, I hope I wont stop here to being a great Islam. My dreams to see you successful, it's hard to see me needing to close my eyes from it now but i hope He will ease your journey. It's really gonna be hard for me to swallow despite it being the third time but i bet i will be able to learn to adapt to it sooner or later, or if it's a whole life. I know you'll somehow wish that someone better will step into my life, but for me to do it, i will nvr be able to even if its years down the road. Ntg precious that i have to myself now, it's simple to say but it's nt easy to let it be a lesson. I tried to be the one for you but i can nvr be one even when i try to change so hard. Dear you, spending 32 months with you is just the sweetest thing i ever had. Frm the sacrifices to hardships to escape trip, everything. At this point of time, i really wish that you'll really sit and talk to me everything before you leave. At least, i could see you for the last time before anything else comes in for me to fight for. At least, i could have that last good hug from my man that i cn no longer call him my man. I have so much to say to you but you dont seem to want to listen to it. Maybe those that ask you to leave me made you a better person than i did. Maybe i know who they may be but Allah really opened my eyes and taught me not to hold grudges towards anyone. Maybe talking things out between each other will nvr work between us unlike people out there, but it's my man afterall who's afraid of tears. It's ok, that last call to your voice, only Allah knows how much I'll miss that voice after this. Even more, missing the old self you. Wanting to propose to you after my operation may just be a bad intention but la illaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minazh zholimin. I shall keep that ring to myself and let it be a gift to treasure. Take good care of yourself though i know you will. Dont forget to eat your medicines when you're unwell esp now that your asthma reacted again. I wish im given that chance to be a better person before today but i couldnt catch it. I wish i could really take good care of you whole heartedly but, there's no more chance. There's like really a whole lot of things that i want to talk to you right now but you'll nvr give me that chance. Dear you, i know this is nt what you want but i will nvr give up from loving you. Let the misses that i have towards you, be the precious thing i cn ever have with you until i stop fighting for my strength. If only, i could have that chance to sit with you right on the same bench at waterfront with you, talking things out before we go apart. Thank you Allah, for letting me love you even if it's temporarily. Dear you, i love you and it will forever be you. No worries, i will try to deny all abt you. And nope, this shall nt be the reason for me to stop you from going, i'll be strong despite 2 missing periods. of all, pls pls pls help me to take good care of my little ones though i know they have their sisters to do it. I hope you still remember you promise towards me abt taking care of them. sooner of later, you'll know why I insist on this. abt Kiwi, pls take great care of him. i'll miss him but that's my gift to you for your 23rd remember. i harap he wont be sold to anyone bcs i want you to treasure that last one,we'll nvr know when is the next time i'll be seeing you again. This is it, journey to keeping it all to self and crying it all to self, with no one to cry to or hug from but Allah. I'll miss you, my man❤ may Allah let me love you again one day, Fi Hifzillah sayang❤ Realisesoonwillyou ThisOneCannotHilang Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Mrmscranky
01.04.2017 // you know, i was hyped up when me and abang was planning to make you worry when we actually just wanna fool you bcs APRIL FOOL. But it turns out like im the one being fooled for the worries that's rising badly. No idea where is your whereabouts, been trying to call but no avail, whatsapping you but all i get was a tick. Even more, with this bad feeling and bad weather and your phone line is being cut off, the worries really rises up more😔 just where are you bae? Just how are you now? What you're doing now? Are you doing good? Not the right time to joke today, hais. Just a really bad worried Disah all day😢😣 ThisOneCannotHilang Nqmhs03 Irinduyou_03 Mrmscranky Takrinduke
Today on this date, 30th December, there were so many happy and sad moments that crossed my life. It was there to either leave a scar or memory. I can’t deny how strong was I back then but today, I realise I wasn’t the same person with the same strength. 2011, my health starts to go haywire. 2012, I lost my memory that I completely lose my old self. 2013, I lost my lower limbs sensations. 2014, I lost my favourite teacher whom I known her as my 12/7 mother; Maziyan Abdullah. 2015, Mohamad passed his Class 2B on 2nd attempt. 2016, I lost Mohamad and was attacked by mild stroke. 2017, I’m pushing myself over the limits for the sake of granting my promise towards ibu; family reunite and again, this time I lost Mohamad fully. And, my liver had failed on me while left kidney, heart and lungs are near to fail. Ya Allah, indeed my challenges are big for the past years on this date. Allah knows best what I felt every time this date comes closer. I reda for all His plans are at His best. Andai kata satu hari nanti saya tiada lagi, saya harap sangat keluarga saya and/or Mohamad akan jaga ‘anak’ saya nanti sebagai pengganti saya. HDbabies Nqmhs03 Jynsdsqsrs SLEpatient Nqrecovering
03.12.2017, 0009hrs // Bila dia ade... Slalu cari pasal, bully dia bagai. Marah dia, lecture dia, merajuk dari dia, tknk dngr kata, ignore dia suka hati, fikir dia ikut marah je. Tapi bila dia da tkde, sedih ade rindu ade marah ade berbagai ade. At this point, rasa mcm i tk hargai dia pn ade😔 ‍Trying so hard to convince myself still. Hari tu bila dia nk balik dia nk peluk, tolak bagai but skrg? If only one day he happen to really appear infront of me or near me, tempang ke tk, i just want to run and hug him so tightly. Satu hari tu tk tau bila😭 Tu la disah, ckp dia ego padahal kau lagi ego nk mampos. Depan dia ckp benci dia, tknk jumpa dia lagi... Tapi bila dia tkde dpn mata lagi, mula menyesal sendiri. You know, if Allah wills us to come back again stronger one day, all i just want is totally to start falling in love again after marriage instead. It's definitely not easy just like "bila da tk ade nk menangis pn tk guna". It's definitely hard and I can't deny this. To be having him who still chose to stay by my side through this shitty life, he won. He won that man award in my life besides my Abah. Indeed, Ibu was right about "keep the hard one to yourself bcs the hard one will show you better life tgt". I wish i had the time again to appreciate him. Sometimes, I could only afford to imagine and smile to myself like i was really touching his face. To cry, that was the only thing I could do after that. I wish someday he knows all these feelings i lied abt or someone come knocking his Whatsapp notification telling about my Eem again, telling him just how much I've missed him. Today, marks our Cranky 33 but probably you're out there having to chase better part while I'm still praying that i could fix better things with you😔 i have no idea, I'm just so weak at this after a month of denying and pretending I'm gonna be good for the next few months to come. I just wish i could listen to your voice and see your face now even if we're miles away, over the phone. It's more than enough but it'll be much more good if you're here instead for me to grab your waist closer to me and let me put my head on your chest, let those tears of misses flow. It hurts knowing i did the wrong move about saying i won't miss you, i hate you and that i don't want to see you anymore when the truth is i had to lie to myself just to let you chase everything else again. Happy Cranky 33 Olaf, 😢❤ im sorry to everyone who gave me endless supports but one month is enough for me to torture myself and let me understand who was the real pain behind this. Just no words to describe how much I just want to be in your arms so tightly now and just seek the best apology. "hargai org yg sayang kita, nnt bila da tkde, nangis atau menyesal tk ada gunanya" to be losing someone like you after a month of tolerance, i now feel the major pinch that i myself can't understand why i did it all. Allahu, one month of self torture had taught me a lot indeed. From patience to faith and believe, to real love and to sacrifices. I cried knowing I've lost one important person in life and for him to return, I wish he knows just how much I want it to happen😭 the truth is... I couldn't hate you and i turned to love you more, i turned to others but i fell back to you, i denied missing you and i ended up missing you more, i didn't want to meet you but i cried to myself regretting that i should have hugged you so tightly the other day and tell the real feelings instead. Sabar disah, pray that Allah brings him back for you to love properly one day. Fi Hifzillah, saya rindu awak😢❤ Mrmscranky Irinduyou_03 ThisOneCannotHilang Takrinduke Nqmhs03 Nqrecovering SLEpatient
01.01.2018, 0354hrs // here’s my highlight of 2017 but sadly, what became my highlight of 2017 some became an end for 2018. I started 2017 in a bad shape where i had to feel a loss of one love from the guy that i vowed to be with all my life through bitter sweet, and i started it with mild stroke. It went on for weeks before full recovery from both but you returned and i thought this time would be for real. Unknowingly, you repeated the same mistake again exactly during the same period. In between, I can’t deny how life is great with bitter sweet moments that I’d still treasure be it for memory sake or lesson sake. This year, i again start it in the same way but for you to return, i don’t think so bcs you’ve probably found someone better than me who probably am perfect than me. Me? Who’d stay with me even with small mistakes, lies, and worse still when I’m getting more ill? It saddens me so freaking much until today that i kept asking am i not good enough for you even when i did everything just for you. It hurts but i gotta close my eyes from you. It’s not easy yet and now i rather put it aside to think of my battle more than it first. Yes, if you ask me i will answer right into you that i really miss you and that i just want to listen to that voice i used to hear everyday, hug that body that will tightly return the hug, and that lips that would touch my forehead all the time. Besides all those, 2017 was definitely a tough year when they finally diagnosed me with SLE or Lupus after 7 years of battle. Unexpectedly, it spread just in a blink of an eye. Too fast that The doctors and i are now at the point of asking whether I’ll make it through or not and when’s the next spread. I cried every night but i know it’s gonna be awhile bcs Allah just wants me to get up stronger. 2017... I’ve lost someone i used to call my man but what’s bigger than that is knowing that I’m losing my left kidney, lungs and heart functions while my liver is already lost. 2017 is definitely not easy on me but i hope this will be a good takeaway. 2018, i hope this body fights through for a little more, that’s all that i wanted. i love you all😔❤️ JantungHatiHD HDbabies Nqmhs03 Jynsdsqsrs SLEpatient Nqrecovering
12.01.2017, 2127hrs // i wish you knew i was directing this to you. Just praying for the best for everything. Still trying to heal myself and trying to move forward with the memories along. Now, it’s just abt getting up from this battle stronger than ever bcs it’s still nt too late to get up despite the failures in the body. Slowly but surely🙂 hey awak, saya rindu awak. Entah mcm rindu bagai gitu tp rindu tu saya dpt simpan dalam doa sahaja walaupun teringin sngt nk touch muka awak while staring at you and just hold you closely to me. May things goes well for you, “my” tiger🙂❤️ Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah ThisOneCannotHilang Nqmhs03
04.03.2018, 0617hrs // dear daddy, baby just want you to know that he’s well taken care of like what was promised before. Baby has been doing great and been up with so many new things as he turns 8 months old. We are all doting on him especially mummy. He can never let a night off without snuggling under mummy before he really goes to bed. You know why? Bcs baby has been taught to smell the scent and be so pampered to sleep under the armpit by daddy. Baby is now even on a level that we all thinks many of the them are different; high tech! He has been so well everyday that he gets to have his own youtube-tv time especially before the night ends on an iPad! He even has a spy cam for us to watch him if we are all miles away outside of home. He’s indeed getting more clever that he even knows how to communicate with us when he knew the spy cam is turned on to check on him! But daddy, guess what’s for meal everyday? Baby doesn’t even look for his birdie food. All he knew was to fly to the cabinet where he always gets his food and look for his food but guess what? Baby’s fav food is McDonalds!!! Abah Ibu Adik-adik been having headache when he can finish off at least 15 sticks of fries till they say, “daddy dia kn suka makan McSpicy upsize add cheese, large ice tea. Mane tk anak dia ikut.” Even ibu abah remembers it amazingly. Of all, what saddens mummy most is when baby will fly and sit in front of the frames, and let out soft sad voice. It made me wonder why but when I look at it, he kept knocking on daddy’s face with mummy! “Burung pn ade perasaan rindu. Rindu dekat daddy dia la tu.” How can I not be so sad whenever he does that? We could even explain to him to the point that he leans against our body as if he was needing a hug upon it. Amazing birdie like a human. Dear daddy, one big thing birdie would want to reach to you if he can talk; baby misses you so much. Really much. We all sees that in him but may Allah grant our prayers one day, Insya’Allah Amin. Don’t you worry daddy, baby’s gonna be fine but still counting on you to come by to see him everyday if that wish could be granted Insya’Allah (Oh and baby’s growing bigger and taller in size too!!!) Baby loves you☹️ but importantly, baby misses you daddy❤️ Nqmhs03 Takrinduke HDbabies HDKiwi
03.09.2017 // bae, you've brought so much uos and downs in my life tgt with yourself. Its been a great journey. Knowing inside out as days goes by, was a point for myself to learn again and again with and abt you. It may be a crazy ride at times to the extend that i want to tumbuk you till you golek mcm humpty dumpty. I cn nvr be more appreicative when i habe you along. Weeks that we were running through the toughest times but i'll nvr give up on you and thats something you need to know. But if i ever do, remember, its a lie bcs i cn nvr do that even in a long run. Bae, you taught me well for me being the most tedious one still, to remind and scold everyday. Thank you for all your time and love all along. Taking care of you day and night may be a crazy big ride but i'll nvr go a day without doing it okkk? HAPPY 30 HUMPTY DUMPTY CRANKY MOHAMAD😙💖👫 I love you, always and forever will! ThisOneCannotHilang Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03
"and if our love was a story book, we would meet on the very first page. The last chapter would be about how I'm thankful for the life we've made. And if we have babies, they woukd have your eyes. I would fall deeper watching you give life. You don't even know how very special you are. You must have a beautiful gift from Allah. The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me. You're someone special. I only hope that I'll one day deserve what you've given me, but all I can do is try, everyday of my life." I miss you, MY man😔❤ "Fi Hifzillah" Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Mrmscranky
02.11.2017 // one day, i will make my "mission impossible" work. It doesnt matter who begins first but i do have a strong reason why i still want my mission impossible to work out. We'll wait and see soon ok laf😌❤ all of me loves of you, always and forever will. ThisOneCannotHilang Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou Mrmscranky HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03
19.11.2017, 0047hrs // "Here's the thing about people with good hearts. They give you excuses when you don't explain yourself. They accept apologies you don't give. They see the best in you when you don't need them to. At your worst, they lift you up, even if it means putting their priorities aside. The word "busy" does not exist in their dictionary. They make time, even when you don't. And you wonder why they're the most sensitive people. You wonder why they're the most caring person. You wonder why they are willing to give so much of themselves with no expectations in return. You wonder why their existence is not essential to your well being. It's because they don't make you work hard for the attention they give you. They accept the love they've earned, and you accept the love you think you're entitled to. Let me tell you something. Fear the day when a good heart gives up on you. Our skies don't become gray out of nowhere. Our sunshine does not allow the darkness to take over for no reason. A heart does not turn cold unless it's been treated with coldness for awhile. Ask yourself, is this what you really want from a good heart? Sacrifice, devoting the whole life and making all sorts of things from a good heart for the one the heart loves. It's not easy but the good heart wants the best for both. Even if the good heart is at its losing end, you will see how strong it is to stand and fight all through for the love that it believes. Observe, realise and come home soon before it's too late because i can't hang in here for long." Mum Dad, if this is the start of Hidayah, I hope there will be more to come. I pray that sooner or later, Allah open the minds of a great champ in each of us. With this patience and great fight, I pray that they see what in a mess they had made. I miss you but i have to stay strong. Thank you loves for what you have done, I pray for the best to come around for all of us to learn. Of all, alfatehah to you Arwah Mama, Arwah Atuk and Arwah Papa. I hope all of you are praying the best for the current state that i wish will be better again like it used to be, soon. Jynsdsqsrs Nqmhs03 Realisesoonwillyou SLEpatient Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03
03.02.2018, 0053hrs // hi love, on this date monthly, i nvr forget to keep reminding myself how thankful am i to have someone like you in my life. Bitter sweet sour life together, if only things didn’t change in us, we’d be happily celebrating our 35th cranky months together. Fast isn’t it? But Allah has better plans for us and you took a different path than i do. As for myself, I’ve been trying so hard battling with life for the past 4 months without you quarter way through. Never did i tell myself how bad you are even up to today bcs you’ve taught me so much; painful challenges and happy moments. Thankful that Allah lend me you to rely on for the past months. If Allah give me another chance to love you again, I would and wouldn’t do it. I would do it again bcs i would want to love you better and give our shortcomings another chance to fit perfectly together. I wouldn’t want to do it again bcs i fear of losing you. On this date, i admit, i have been loving you from far still. Not being acknowledged but i hope one day Allah will send my love and misses to you. I’m sorry but I’ve lied enough to myself and others that I’ve been “hating” you so much when the fact is i can never hate you even up to today. I tried but i failed. I avoided all of our likes and your favs but i ended up doing it unknowingly. You know, if there’s one thing that i can do to you now, i will run to you and hug you tightly. Just tightly and it will tell you so much. Mohamad, one month prior to your leave, i regretted not telling you the truth and now, i cry blaming myself for always leaving these huge things left unsaid. Unknowingly too, on the night you left, i fell so ill too and ended up in the hospital days after that. Doctors confirmed that my Lupus has become very aggressive and today, Disah that used to be so strong back then became so weak that she’d give up all the time when things ain’t going right. It’s difficult to describe but if you see it, i bet you’ll be upset too. Ibu Abah and sisters, they all have seen how drastic my change was in strength. Lucky enough, i managed to trace back the old conversation and your words never fail to get me crying though I’ve lost you. Mohamad, if only you kept Eem alive to know on my updates. 4 months and a lot had happened. It was my left kidney first, then goes to my brain, then to my heart and lungs, and then to my liver and now on my haemoglobin (red blood cells). It’s definitely heart breaking but I’ve no other ways to save it all now bcs i was too late for treatment and at this level of so much allergies, they can’t find something suitable. In and out for the past 4 months, it was horrible to the point that i wish arwah mama and arwah atuk are here to comfort me. Allahu, first one two months I didn’t got so affected by your absence but until that one point ibu abah start to ask me this heart to heart question “gerl, rindu helmy? Jngn tipu diri, smpi bila nk tipu diri?” I wish i could answer them honestly but it’s kept in myself. I knew many knew the answer to that question but let the silence talk about it one day. Mohamad, as days goes by, my body is getting weaker and more ill. Not brave enough, i kept the crave of wanting to call and text you. Those voice messages became my medicine to my misses towards you. Mohamad, i crave your voice, your touch, your tears, your smiles, you hug, just everything of you. Awak, jikalau saya diberi kesempatan untuk sayang awak buat kali terakhir sebelum saya rehat, saya ingin disayang seikhlas dan sejujurnya sekali lagi. Mencintaimu sekali lagi, that book will one day disclose everything for all. I miss you, very much. Fi Hifzillah😔❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Takrinduke
28.10.2017 // i actually came to a point realising that I actually am the one drifting apart from all, keeping myself so busy with a whole lot of things these days. Blaming self? I guess I shall not do that wholly bcs I have to bring myself to the main point of why i worked so hard these days; for Mohamad's repayment, motorbike, new bird, full cash house payment. It's definitely hard for them to understand but who else will do it if it's not me? "Money is ntg compare to love and time" I agree to a certain point where this life is really difficult to handle. I don't blame people around me for this bcs it's a choice and I chose to do this. It's bad huh that I don't even have so much time for them but it just have to go back to the main word, "sacrifice". I admit, it's so painful that I have to be missing them all over my days and just cry to make myself better. I pray that all these will be worthy one day when I look back. I pray too that all of them could really give their fullest support since I'm the one left with this choice. Masya'Allah, Fi Hifzillah. I miss MY fat man, MY fambam, MY own self. Just a little more and it will be much better hopefully. Amin. Jia yo Disah, another shift to go and all is done for the month. Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou YouAreNotAlone ThisOneCannotHilang Nqrecovering Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Mrmscranky SLEpatient Jynsdsqsrs
26.08.2017 // you know why i want you to be fat? So your tummy cn be my pillow when i need to sleep😂😛💖 HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Mrmscranky ThisOneCannotHilang
22.10.2017 // in the mids of napping before time, I could be crying over how bad I misses MY Mohamad. "sesungguhnya aku telah jatuh pada dirimu, sesungguhnya aku cintai hanya dirimu, kerna sesungguhnya kau lengkapi diriku, sesungguhnya aku cintai dirimu" I need MY Mohamad who knows how tired and how sick I am. I need MY Mohamad who knows everything. I just want and need MY Mohamad who'll pull me to bed tgt knowing how tiring i am frm school or work; I want and need MY Mohamad who nvr fails to show and tell his nonsensical jokes daily; I want and need MY Mohamad who'll voice or video call me every night before we go to bed just to ask either of us watch us sleep; I want and need MY Mohamad who nvr fails to be so patient, loving and caring; I just want and need MY Mohamad who nvr fails to bring me everywhere he needs to go; I just need and want MY Mohamad who is not secretive; I just want and need MY Mohamad who'll come to me and say he just need me to nurse him the whole day that I have to take a day off sometimes; I just want and need MY Mohamad who'll always remind me to cook his spaghetti; I just want and need MY Mohamad who's full of surprises especially when it comes to me needing another Bunguk to write; I just want and need MY Mohamad ok, I just need and want him back, all my life😣😭❤ HelmyxDisah Realisesoonwillyou Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03 ThisOneCannotHilang Mrmscranky
05.09.2017 // through good and bad, i didnt fail to pull through the storms with you and for you. Things fell apart so many times but i gave in, and here we are learning everything day by day together again. But at times, when things got really to the point that you have to come forward and give in instead, i hang on. Mohamad, do you remember those days when you're always being the one wanting to fetch me to and fro anywhere especially after i end my shifts, or even from my school. Do you remember when was the last time that you actually sit down, talk anything under the moon just us? Do you remember when was the last time we actually gave in to each other even over small things? Do you remember when was the last time that you nvr fail to remind me to tell my whereabouts or even wanting to know my whereabouts every now and then? Do you remember when was the last time that you actually squeeze me in bed and prolly, playing all the wrestling tickles all, together? Do you remember when was the last time that you put aside your ego and just not scold me for a day? Do you remember when was the last random nasi goreng seafood and teh o ice limau dinner that we had together? Do you remember when was the last time we talked over the phone for long hours happily with no scoldings or probably skype through the night until one falls asleep? Mohamad, i understand how things will change over time and how busy you are now with little time cather for me. I'm not asking for all your time for myself but its rare seeing us having the whole day to the both of us only with no arguements. A lot,has been labelled as "when was the last..." but those times when i have the time with you, i really wish you could give your time to me (not mobile legend😒). For all that i typed, i actually wanted to say that i just miss you so badly that i still think i shd bottle things bcs "do you remember when was the last time that you said you miss me or love me with your clingy manja face?" i miss you mohamad, i do. Just how i wish, how i wish i could have that one full week with you, just us, doing all sorts of things like we do. Even cuddling and have the movies going for a day is already more than enough. Dont say a week, a full day with you i think Alhamdulillah already manz. Hahais, just keeping those "i miss you" and "i love you" to myself is the worst thing of all but its ok, Eem knows best right? disah's pulling through it all,all is good😌 ThisOneCannotHilang Irinduyou_03 Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah
29.08.2017 // but out of all, you're iron man in my life bcs your body cn shield me🙈😛💖 mohamad, i know its been tough for you and for me this month when money became our big outmost problem. But i hope, we'll be through this soon and just let this be the end soon. Its sad seeing you in this state, so do myself. Just hang in there awhile more love! We'll pull through this together okkk! I ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Mrmscranky love you, always will😙💖
22.10.2017 // no idea whether i shd be mad or shd just keep my patience on going. For goodness sake, i've nvr done that before but why? sesungguhnya i could only afford to cry for me admitting that im really a weak soul. mohamad, i just want and need my Mohamad. Realisesoonwillyou Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03 ThisOneCannotHilang Mrmscranky HelmyxDisah
10.02.2018 // you don’t know how overjoyed i was when i saw this on my lockscreen. You don’t know how a notification from you could mean so much to me. Waiting for your call and text from you saying “i miss you” is nvr ending but I’m still waiting for one. I crave for your presence. You don’t know how bad the feeling of wanting to just hug you tightly if you stand in front of me one day. A good long hug and tears after it will mean so much, Mohamad. If only, if only😔 you know, at this tough period, i wish i could have told you how bad my body will be in the next few months and years, before that night. I regretted but ntg could be done. I don’t know how else i should comfort you, i don’t know how to tell you i miss you, i don’t know how to hate you. I’m just waiting for you to come home which I’m unsure when or will it happen. Abah Ibu, they’re too waiting for you to come home one day soon bcs they tend to question me a lot lately knowing how “strong” i was. I can see how much they misses you just with their words and acts without telling me. Those snaps, there lies reasons to it that you’ll need to hear out. Allahu, may He strengthen each of us in every way. I miss you, loving you from far😪❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Takrinduke Irinduyou_03 ComehomeTimba
22.01.2018, 0748hrs // awak, i can never tell truths when it comes to missing your presence for the past 3 months, these days. Not only your presence but your touch, smile, anger, laughter, cranky, EVERYTHING. Yeap, just the word to summarise what I’ve been missing. Again, for the 8th time straight, I came across you with the missed smiles and hardest tears in my dreams. The way you’re so close to me, making me feel loved again. Masya’Allah, I just can’t deny how bad was the tears when I woke up after those nights until today. Awak, so far at distance but always near to this heart. I may still be mad and hurt over what you’ve done 3 months back but I can’t deny that each time I try to say ‘I hate you’ or ‘I don’t miss you’, that’s where all those words became something opposite in the heart and grew bigger instead. Saya rindu awak tp Allah sayang kita sbb tu dia uji kita. Of all, I can’t deny too how I just kept waiting and checking out my snaps just to see if you’ve been checking on me. And when the last one you said you’re leaving for a week, that got me down bcs I won’t be able to know if you’re gonna be fine by checking on me. There’s so much things I wish and want to share with you at this point but you’re not around for those news. Of all the news, I wish I could share with you this; I successfully went through 3 surgeries with little complications and I pulled through but the aftermath of it, I’m still trying hard! I bet you’re so proud of me if you were there with Ibu Abah during my surgery wait. I could imagine how those smile with hardest tears will be on you. Ya Allah, rindunya saya pada awak Mohamad. Fi Hifzillah😔❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03
20.11.2017, 0631hrs // wishing to listen to your heart beat while we doze off, that's the most best thing that i ever wish to have all my life. Consecutive days, i could only afford to pray for the best bcs it's not done. I may be missing you from here but i know i cn nvr get so near yet. I fear of losing you from that so i have to pray hard that you'll forget those fear and come up to me to tell exactly the things i could ease off from your shoulders. Trying to call you at this hour is not reachable even Whatsapp. Probably you just blocked me, not realising how much I just want to save you from something. It's ok if you dont want to believe this but soon, you will find out the reason why i did all these. But i wonder of all, do you happen to come across a point to ask yourself whether you did miss me all along? Well, i did. A lot of times that i barely could cry now. May Allah bring everything and every truths back together for all of us to settle down together again like it all used to be. I miss you, just how bad i could be at covering up all those feelings? i love you still and always will❤ nvr gonna stop making you part of my prayers everyday, "observe, realise and come home soon before it's too late bcs i can't hang in here for long." Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou Nqmhs03 Nqrecovering
07.01.2017, 1423hrs // the face that I’m never bored over. The face that gave me so much laughter each time he puts on his silly, cranky, hungry or sad face. The face that made me so mad each time he grumbles but just don’t bother to tell me what have gone wrong. Of all, the face that can never be forgotten up to today. The love that never dies, the misses that got bigger. Ya Allah, rindunya saya pada awak. Walaupun jauh, awak selalu ada dalam doa saya. Berharap Dia akan sampaikan rindu saya pada awak. Sekian lama awak tinggalkan saya. Mohamad, as days goes by lately, I began to understand the real meaning of separation. I came to understand why is it so hard for me to forget you when I remembered my promises towards you. Mohamad, the day that you left me, I wasn’t sure why didn’t I fought and uphold our love. It didn’t even come across my mind to tell you the truth about my worsening Lupus though that night I was down with high fever already. I totally have no idea why but now, if you ask me what I could have done that night, I would have uphold and protected our love, not letting you go easily. It’s been 3 months now and I still feel the pain you left me. 2 months it didn’t even came crossing my mind to dwell on that matter but after realising I was putting hard on my heart, I started to realise that I miss you. Probably now you’re so much happier with my replacement that could live longer and take good care of you so much more. Looking at your snaps that you’re doing all those things without me reminds me of how much you made me sacrifice all those for the love. Maybe you didn’t even remember me anymore nor misses me. But I can’t judge all these bcs I can’t even read your mind and heart but if you’re here in front of me, I’ll touch your heart and look straight into your eyes to see it all. Mohamad, I know you’re not using Eem anymore but I hope one day when you reopen it again, you’ll know that I’ve never forget you nor forget to miss you or love you. I miss adoring you, I miss tickling you, I miss picking up fights with you, I miss you Mohamad. Ya Allah, sampaikanlah rindu saya pada awak. Jikalau Allah berikan kesempatan untuk saya hidup lebih lama dan peluang kedua untuk dapatkan cinta saya semula, Insya’Allah saya akan jadi yang terbaik untuk awak. Tapi hanya disimpan dalam doa sahaja buat sekarang, what else if I wish I could get through Mama now but I can’t do it. “Nanti kalau kita kahwin, I doa kita boleh namakan UA and DA.” Fi Hifzillah😔❤️ ComehomeTimba ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
01.01.2018, 0348hrs // it hurts but it’ll be fine no worries. I hate that i craved for your voice tonight but i could only watch those videos on youtube again and again, those videos in my phone over again too. Many things happened towards us and we by far had proved how strong we were until that day. I guess i have ntg to say abt this but only that there’s a phrase to sum up everything; mohamad, i miss you a lot. But let’s just keep this in my prayers and aside bcs i have a bigger battle to fight that you knew ntg of or maybe thought i was lying abt🙂 it’s ok, im still fine just that I can’t deny how hard was it to deny at times when you came crossing my mind or dreams maybe bcs i miss you a little too much? Idk. I don’t love you🙂❤️ Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
20.11.2017, 0624hrs // saddens me so much when i come across this. Knowing that your boots are on the verge of giving up away bcs your legs are growing like McDonald's, i don't know hais. If only you're still around, i could have bought this for you but they always say when it comes to soccer boots, guys are nvr giving the best measurement. This sale going on, i remember taking you for shopping but kalahkan perempuan kind of thing hahais:") rindu but let's keep in all to self bcs i don't know who to buy this for besides you only. I wonder hows your boot and how well did you play recently. Couldn't even witness your game, it's just saddening. I wish i could travel but seeing myself in horrible state, if you see me, i won't be able to run nor walk fast enough. Haha, rindu isit disah? 😅😣 Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou Nqmhs03
28.05.2017 // huhu, prolly not the worse position or face being portrayed while he was sleeping. If i could take pictures of you everyday, i bet the ugly ones will be the one I'll make as the cover page bcs you're a-do-ra-ble when you sleep🙊😙💓 i love you Mohamad❤ (and puku can never leave your side even for a day hais) ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03
06.07.2016 // mwehehehe JynsdsqsrsBeraya Nqmhs03
19.04.2017 // from skinny to fat, from buiii to guy, from tk handsome to very not handsome (forever not handsome jk but always most charming in my eyes😍😋), from always 24/7 sleeping to always having something useful to do most of the time, from very fat tummy to boncet tummy, from masai buiii to very not masai anymore guy, from too dark to tan dark, from having bicycle to scooter to motorbike AND the list goes down and down, nvr ending. A lot have changed. Yes definitely I'm proud of how well i've fed you with many things past these years. Alhamdulillah for all of these and syukur for all that comes from Him. I hope all of the above will eventually grow over the years, together you and i. "from no kids to papa maybe? from bae to husband maybe?" haha jk. Insya'Allah😉 oh wait, FROM SOFT BUIII TO BIG TROUBLE MAKER!!! 😤 hahais, it feels so good to see you grow well. Months to go before your 23rd, and it's time to slowly have something planned in mind for your birthday. Ohhh haha, not anymore will the clues be given to you or left in the laptop or phone. No bae no, even if you open your eyes bigger on me or scold me, not a single thing im letting you know. Twice you got to know more or less, not anymore haha. Bae, alhamdulillah for all the grows in you. Most importantly, from the one that doesnt know many to a guy who has a lot of knowledge gained especially when we talk about religion. May you one day become the most righteous Imam for me and your future juniors (insya'Allah, dont be shocked if i masuk minang you instead haha jk😂) mohamad, prolly im happily writing all these (and trying to bring the nerd you out in the past hahahah) bcs you will nvr find out bcs you will nvr check my eyeem after all😌 but yeah, yknow, one thing for sure, from making me feel annoyed and call you toyol to making me feel blessed and call you my love. (aha, being so cheeky bcs i want something hahaha jk time with you together is more than enough) mohamad, i love you😙❤😋😍🙈🙊👫💓 (can say all these cheeky words bcs you will nvr read so yeah all these to myself) and prolly im like free to type this when i shd be sleeping bcs i just miss you a little much today eee haha cheeky but yeah. at this tiring point of time, it just made me remember over and over abt coming home being able to cuddle in bed with you but booohuhu, i come home only able to cuddle with my bolster😭 ThisOneCannotHilang Irinduyou_03 Mrmscranky Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah
22.06.2017 // to love you unconditionally is something that I chose back then. To stay was and is still my goal. To love you all my whole life is still going on strong. To shower you with all i could and to pamper you day and night, is something i would want to do every single day. To be watching you go mad over mini to enormous issues may be something i wouldnt want to see, but thats where i'll see the lessons. To see how strong you are in every ways, it makes my heart feel at ease all the time. Now and always, i'll always pick you among the others bcs theres no one other than you that would wake up early just for me, and sleep late just for me. Everything you did for me, i thank Him for giving me you. And for everything you've done for me, i pray that He opens your heart to make yourself be that man who'll at least be more sweeter and romantic, and to see our future together one day sooner. Mohamad syg, you're my one in a million in my life. I love you unconditionally😙❤ (ps. Pls just get well soon and have lotsa rest bcs my worries are rising these days over you huhu) Bigdaddy Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Mrmscranky Jynsdsqsrs GGMU
05.08.2017 // and to the man of my heart, no words to describe anything more but i love you more than you know, thats for sure. this may be the start of the 2 days birthday thrill. as usual, when you wishes for it, it will definitely come true in one way or another. yes, i did it all for you for all that i love you whole heartedly. love, another added to your life. for all the 23 yrs, you've grown frm boy to guy to young man. i hope for what lies ahead of you now, you'll be much stronger and intelligent to decide which is good and bad, which is cheaper and expensive, which is needed or optional, and which is mandatory. i pray too for you that this will be the start of a good year where better things will come for you. its ok if the jungle doesnt call you, just so long as you'll get a real stablr fixed full time job will be good for me. something tthat may also be out of your wants but i hope it will teach you better things. love, i pray too that for this new journey, you'll start thinking abt wanting to settle things down as soon as you cn. it may seem young but good things are better to be learn frm young. heres to the next few hours with me. HAPPY 23 BIRTHDAY MY MAN😙❤ I LOVE YOU, ALWAYS DO! MHSbirthday Nqmhs03 ThisOneCannotHilang HelmyxDisah Nqrecovering SLEpatient Mrmscranky
19.11.2017, 2135hrs // "mmg garang bila da marah sbb kadang dia besarkn mata dia mcm goldfish. Goldfish goldfish juga, tp mcm nk nangis ade la. Nk pujuk lagi la mcm nk nangis sbb bila dia marah, ape dia kisah org nk pujuk ke tk? Tp paling senang kalau dia marah, kita diam untk beberapa minit, lps tu baru pujuk. Tp pujuk kene very manja." i cn list down if i choose to but it will end up making me cry instead. I miss you, i really do but all i cn afford to pray that he lower your ego to come home after observing what you have to or being shown the real movie behind your steps. I wish we could see our old Mohamad, we all miss him bcs we know in which position are you in now. I hope Allah show all of us the continuation answer to our prayers, soon. I love you, and I'm prepared to catch your fall one day soon❤ "observe, realise and come home soon before it's too late bcs i can't hang in here for long." Irinduyou_03 Realisesoonwillyou Nqmhs03
05 August 2018 // A day that still am playing fresh in mind, all years of celebrations with you. Those years are never enough frankly, and I thought years to come I could still be the most excited one to wish you at 12am exact and make the whole day a crazy patience testing day in a good way. But i was wrong, when everything fell apart. Apart during my battle peak period. Let’s just get over that situation but yes, I was still feeling so anxious as to why I didn’t make today a day for you until I realise, who am I to you to make all these again. I’ll never be able to slot in again and I accept it with great big heart bcs no one ever wants to live their life with an ill incurable and worsening health partner. If ever they are given the chance to live with a healthy partner, all of them will choose to. Typing and deleting, calling and cancelling, I ended up losing faith the whole day and just keep my inner self to sleep just so I won’t think so much. I’m sorry to let the day flow without wishing you anything bcs honestly yes, I’m still afraid and fearful of what might be the next phrase that you will lay out. However, here’s to the 24th life. “Happy 24th Birthday!” (If ever one day you happen to need me, I’m here. Don’t worry, no guy would ever feel the jealousy if you ever come talking to me if you understand what I’m trying to say🐣) Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
13.04.2018, 0108hrs // aye baby! I hope you’re all fine for the past one week now and still trying to adapt to the new routine. Typing all these is useless bcs you’ll never be reading Eem anymore but still, I hope one day all of these will make you feel better if you happen to miss me (prays hard). Other than that, I leave it to Him to reach my loves and misses to you in one way or another one day. Honestly, I miss you a little too much these days. Tears rolling each night I play those youtube videos of you. To let go and break apart is not painful but, breaking apart and still loving is painful. If only you knew how much this body just need to hug you so badly. If only you knew how much this mouth wants to share good and bad news over the months. If only you knew how bad this ears wants to listen to you nagging endlessly and just sharing everything. If only you knew just how much this nose wants to smell and snuggle under your armpit. If only you knew how much this hands would love to touch your face. I miss you, I do. Happy serving nation, my dear Mohamad! May Allah ease the two years journey for you and may Allah too bless you with good health throughout. ☺️😪❤️ HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03
18.03.2018, 1735hrs // just when I open my acct, I saw this right at the top. It took me seconds to realise that I was staring at this with tears rolling down. It’s crazy how baba last night could even say something true from the heart. Yes, I do miss you. So much. Been nights since I kept seeing and hearing you. Been nights that I kept missing you a little too much. Just how I wish you know that I’ve been missing you so much. Just how I wish you know many things that I wish I could share with you. 😪❤️ HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Takrinduke Irinduyou_03
27.03.2018, 0221hrs // Tipu la klau I ckp I tk sakit hati. Sakit hati gila ni smpi air mata jatuh😭💔 I guess it’s crazy wrong to keep pretending that I have a boyfriend when the truth is behind those pictures is my loyal “boyfriend” Ahmad Muhd while those whatsapp conversations are actually coming from our old conversations that we had that I just recapture. Now, I sendiri sakit hati tngk his latest snap? Just why do I have to feel this achy when I say I don’t miss you or I stopped remembering😭💔 this is like a real bullet shooting through man hais. I wish you know the truth Mohamad. For me to be chatting with another guy until today, it’s impossible to see besides my Ahmad Muhd. Shitty feeling. To be seeing you in my dreams for a week straight, wanting to call and text you to say i miss you but I’m not brave, to just keep watching our videos esp your birthday video. I miss you Mohamad, very much😪💔 sakit hati gila hahahais just why la why huhu cn you not make me cry☹️💔 I feel the need to bite your neck badly and then wrestle you until you lose and then tickle you hard until you cannot tahan. Kn sendiri sakit hati disah😭💔 just until when you gonna keep these words hidden in Eem, your diaries and to yourself Disah? (Side note: i only call my Mohamad laf or 🐯) HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03 Irinduyou_03
09.04.2018, 2354hrs // aye baby, you know im so happy to see this photo when mama send it to me. Cn you imagine how proud i was when i opened it till i cry? For 2 years, we went under the hot Sun, sacrificing my school days just to take you down to register for your studies and now? Seeing you in ns finally settling down. Ya Allah, I cried for a moment wishing that I could be there to be with you throughout your ns journey. Even more when I showed this to Ibu Abah, they were so proud and happy of you! Hearing them say how much they miss you, I couldn’t hide myself from crying. Ya Allah, if only you know abt this. We’re definitely proud of you, my boo. May the two years fly fast and easy on you. Stay strong and keep pushing, I’ll be waiting for you to see you end this journey with better you. I miss you, botak☹️❤️ Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah Nqmhs03
24.04.2018, 0040hrs // it hurts so much knowing that it can just cross my mind at any point of time and when it does, it could make me feel that half soul gone kind. In the mids of lesson, I could just suddenly break down bcs your voice and laughter was ‘heard’ that I couldn’t hold back my tears. Masya’Allah, just how much I could be missing you right now. It felt so bad until this point. And just when that feeling pops up, you too pops up in my SC list. Ya Allah, how I wish you knew. Missing you a little tooooo much today😥😢❤️ Nqmhs03 Irinduyou_03 HelmyxDisah
03.04.2018, 0053hrs // Here’s my other half that I can’t seem to stop going to another day without thinking of. 37th but it’s been 4 months plus since you left us. Cried every time I kept seeing you around me. Cried every time your face flashes or crossed my mind. Cried seeing those photos hanged in my room. Cried smelling your jacket every time I open the closet. I cried bcs I can’t hold back the feeling of missing you so much. I wish but I had to keep praying for the best. I crave your voice and those whatsapp audios I managed to retrieve was the only source. I crave your touch that I felt it in dreams until I could woke up in tears. I crave your smiles and laughters but the youtube videos was the only companion. I crave for your presence but all I do was to keep reminiscing and pray. Aye baby, I just want you to know that I miss you so much. Kiwi misses you too (but I miss you more). Happy Cranky 37th love😢☹️❤️ if only you’re around for me, I’ll treasure you more. I’ll appreciate you more, I’ll tell you just how much i love you everyday. But....... i miss you love HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03 JantungHatiHD HDKiwi
15 June 2018 // Assalamualaikum love. Eid Mubarak to you. Raya this year will be a different one for the both of us for the first. The last raya photo we had and I’m glad I could keep every of our moment well. Mama invited me to go over but you know, it’ll definitely be hard for me. Even more to seek for forgiveness from you, I can never do it (besides not being able to converse the forgiveness session in malay, you know I can’t haha). Mohamad, for all I’ve known you, there’s so many bittersweet moments. I’m blessed you came by but for me to pray for you to be the one for me, I hope Allah knows better on this. If really my prayers were answered as to you again, I’ll still leave it up to Him and redha for what will be between us here and after. Mohamad, it’s not may but definitely, I have so much wrongs towards you. From lies to hates, forgive me. But never have it come across my mind about cheating behind your back. Never, bcs I love you all my heart like how He makes me feel so calm when I have you around through good and bad times. Alhamdulillah for He make you the first love in my life that I cherish so much despite the saddening outcome. It still hurts and I can’t deny it but as much as it hurts, how long should I be this mad towards you? Everyone makes mistakes, but it’s whether they’re able to put it as a lesson learnt or a thing to keep dwelling on for every fight that occurs. Mohamad, thank you for everything thus far. Forgive me but imma lie to you if I say I hate you, I do not miss you. Mohamad, demi Allah, forgive me for all my mistakes I’ve done be it intentionally or not. If you ask me what I could have done, I’d say I’d be the one with no mistakes for you. But it’s stupid if I’m saying such bcs even the pious people makes mistakes in life. Again, to dwell or turn it to lesson. This year’s raya definitely is different but I’m still blessed that I’m still around to be able to celebrate despite organs failure months back and predicted thus far my strength and chances. I’m sorry if that point of moment when you heard news around you, gave you a real hit that I wasn’t lying about my illness internally that even make you think that I was lying to keep you with me all along. I forgive you for all those mistakes you’ve done but I’m sorry that I’m still not over you for leaving me when your supports matters to me during my critical battle. You’ve been the best one in my life, I admit. Those guys I went out with, they’re just not like you who knows and understands when something occurs or when this cranky starts, they know less to handle it. Unlike you, all they know was to spend on luxury things for me but all you gave me was time, love and memories. Mohamad, till we cross path again to love each other stronger than before and make the future a better with no dwells of past, if ever He wills us to be together again one day. Mohamad, salam eid mubarak to you, love you😌😢❤️ Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah Irinduyou_03 Nqrecovering
05 August 2018 // a little different this year, that I had to sleep early till 1am just so I’ll not be too excited at 12am and realise there’s just nothing for me to look forward to anymore. Having the thoughts of miracles will occur today for myself, I laughed to it because it can’t be happening any ways. It hurts, it surely does when my phone suddenly pops up “My Man’s Birthday”. But again like I said, I gotta be positive and never put great hopes to anything even on my own health, for everything are just once in a lifetime lending by Him. Yeap, I didn’t want myself to go through tears at 12am though I know I was up all along. So I decided to put everything away and just have my iPad-youtube time just as I woke up later at 1am. I’m sorry if ever you’re expecting anything from me at 12am probably but I just have no courage for everything no more. As i type this out, I too felt like deleting it and never let you realise that I still remember this date fresh in my mind. 12am, it’s either a video call or you’ll be right next to me right now snoring your life out. I wouldn’t want to ruin your day. Most of all, Happy 24th Birthday, Mr! May you continue to grow up with big ambitions, aims and objectives with all the people you love. Even more, to grow up with a better ego-lovable heart (but ego way lesser than love) maybe with someone perfect since I can never be one anymore i guess with my way of life now, even more when I’m still unsure what’s there to prove better things and maybe you’ll be tired to see me fight every battle out of my life. May you too, be a good son to my wonderful Mama dunia akhirat, be the man of Islam. Amin. Happy 24th Birthday mi luv;’) Nqrecovering Irinduyou_03 Nqmhs03 HelmyxDisah